starmark | IC Inbox | rubycity_rp

Nah, not really. Just reading.

[Which proceeds to get set aside, in favor of taking the coffee when it's offered.]

Jolie's old enough to start swimming.

Really? [Hierophant pulled back, lingering around its user's shoulders.] How's that...going to work, exactly? She'd usually learn from her mother or something, right?

It's pretty rough, by human standards. I'm pretty much going to have to get her by the fur and drag her through the water until she picks it up.

[He shrugs a little, letting the coffee warm his hands through the mug.]

I know it sounds cruel when you put it like that, but it's how she'd learn in the wild.

I'm sure she'll pick it up quickly. I mean--I've never met any other otters before, but she seems smart enough.

Yeah, she will. I just don't want to wait too long and miss her window of opportunity, I guess.

You've taken good care of her so far. [He smiled halfheartedly, looking back to his coffee.] I know that you'll both figure it out.

Yeah. Sooner or later.

[He nods, gazing down at his coffee himself.]

... [They could really only stall for so long, couldn't they? Kakyoin took a slow breath and sighed, silently collecting his thoughts. No self-loathing, no getting hung up on whether or not he was a failure, just apologize for screwing up and try to move on with it. He could do that...hopefully.]

I know it doesn't change anything, but I didn't think that was going to turn into such a disaster. I should have let you know beforehand--I'm sorry for putting you and Joseph in that situation, and I'll be more careful from now on.

...Why did you?

[He keeps his eyes on his coffee, and his tone even and calm — soft, without accusation.]

I know you had to have thought about it. What made you decide it should be then and there?

I was talking to Caesar about it a while ago. I knew I had to tell Joseph what happened to me, but I didn't know how.

...'If it was something you wanted to tell me,' he said, 'and you didn't want me to know because it might upset me or make me think less of you, I'd be very angry to learn that you'd kept it from me.' He said it would feel like betrayal, and...I had to admit he was right. Trying to just come out with it was supposed to be less of a disaster than continuing to pretend it didn't happen. Things just...got out of hand. I didn't realize how little he'd really known about the situation.

[Kakyoin didn't look up either; he was about as calm as one could be, but Hierophant retreated under his uniform's sleeve like its user very much did not want to have this conversation right now.]

...I talked to Caesar a little before all that, too. Something blew up on their end, too. I'm pretty sure I know what it was, but.

[He pauses, silently debating.]

I think Jiji's been having a hard time with shit, too, and we just didn't ever hear about it.

That would make a little more sense, in hindsight. There was a second where I genuinely thought he was going to wind up and knock me out.

[Odds were good Kakyoin wouldn't have blamed him, but never mind.]

I can't decide if waiting would have been the better option, or if that would have only made this whole thing even worse.

...I don't think it was going to be "good", no matter what we did. You did. Any of us did.

[...]

You think I'm mad at you. Right?

...I did for a while. Even if I think you should be, I know well enough to understand that by now I'd know if you were angry. The fact that you're talking to me at all is a pretty fair indication that it's more likely you aren't.

Edited 2016-03-01 06:38 (UTC)

...So tell me why you think I should be. What made you decide that?

I-

[Like you think he'd settle for someone who isn't worth the trouble.]

[No self-loathing. Stop kicking yourself, take a breath, and just talk like a normal person.]

I keep thinking that it feels like I stepped out of line or spoke up when it wasn't my place. On one hand, he had to know eventually and there's no getting around that. On the other, you shouldn't have had to be pushed into telling the whole story without warning because I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

I don't know. I'd probably be livid if I were you.

You weren't livid when I fucked up and told Giorno about you. That one night, remember? Or I guess if you were livid, you didn't take it out on me.

[He goes quiet a minute.]

I'm never going to be able to shout louder than the voice in your head, Nori. I get that now.

[That wasn't the same thing was nearly his answer, but Kakyoin stopped himself. Dying was easy compared to everything Jotaro had to deal with that night and every day after it as far as he was concerned, but this wasn't the time or the place to get into semantics.]

I don't think I understand what you're talking about, Jojo. [He finally looked up, setting the coffee aside to focus on Jotaro in mild confusion. Did I say something wr- No, he shut down that line of thought before it could even start. Am I some kind of lost caus- And that one followed right along with it. But if not that, said a stubbornly panicked part of his mind, then what?]

"Let's just get this over with so you can call me a fucking idiot."

"I'll just keep my stupid mouth shut so I don't step out of line again."

That's what the me in your head does, when you make a mistake. Says shit like that. That's the me that some part of you always expects me to be. Right?

I--

[Deep breath. Stay focused. Of course that was wrong, and of course he knew it. Believing it was where things got tricky. But that was what having support was for, wasn't it? If he could just manage to say it, then...he could be proven wrong, couldn't he?]

...It's...easy to fall back into thinking I don't fit in all of this. My parents aren't vampire hunters or Hamon masters, I don't have any kind of fate or ancient family legacy tying me to all of this, and I only ended up in all of this by chance. Now that it's over, I-...part of me is just worried that I'll screw up badly enough for the rest of you to realize there's not much point in having someone like that around.

I'm just not like the rest of you. And I'm so sick of being different from everyone else. Jojo, I don't want to keep thinking like that. I don't know how I even got to this point and I'm not sure how to fix it.

It's not like this is some kind of exclusive fucking club.

[The obscenity slips out on its own, but if there's an edge to it, it's clearly not directed at Kakyoin; the irritability is too vague, too nebulous to belong to anything but the situation in general.]

Maybe that's how it looks from a different viewpoint, I don't know. All I have is mine. I didn't end up in this by design any more than you did. I just got handed all this shit and told to deal with it.

[The truest definition of the Joestar Legacy. Here's a bunch of shit you never asked for; it's yours to deal with now.]

You make yourself different because that's what you've been telling yourself your whole life. Maybe you just don't know how to be anything else, because of that. You're different because you look for ways to make yourself different. That's why you were one of us the whole way to Egypt and still telling yourself that you had to earn your place to be there.

[He sighs, reaching up to rub his eyes.]

I can't stop you from thinking that way. That's what I meant — nothing I say is going to drown out the things you tell yourself in your head. It just bothers me when you use the me in your head to do it. When you use some idea of me like an excuse to keep yourself out.

... [Kakyoin took another slow breath to keep his voice even. He just had to speak honestly, that was all. So far it hadn't taken any sharp turn into disasters, and Kakyoin was starting to let himself hope that it wouldn't.]

So I'm the only one that can stop that, in other words. That's...okay. I'm not sure how just yet, but I think I can start there. If I can stop listening to that, then...neither of us will have to deal with it.

[Then it came down to which part of Kakyoin was more stubborn; the insistent self-loathing or the part that was completely sick of this shit]

I want to apologize again for being so stupid about all this, but...I think I'll start by guessing you'll say that isn't necessary, right?

...Is that what you already think, or are you really asking what I'm going to say?

[He brings his hand back down, staring into his coffee again.]

There's a difference between the two. I'd like to know which one it is.

You're right, there's a difference.

[And which one was it? Kakyoin reexamined what he'd just said carefully before coming to a conclusion.]

That's...what I already think. I'm confident enough to guess that you think it would be unnecessary, but I was asking for confirmation. That's all.

...Try asking. Try that instead.

[And now he glances up, the beginnings of a soft plea reflected in his eyes.]

"I feel stupid, Jojo, are you mad at me?" And then — and then just trust me, I...

[...]

I like it when you understand me, when you just know and I don't have to say anything, but...

[......]

But there's a difference. Don't take me out of it entirely. You know? There's a difference.

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