starmark | IC Inbox | rubycity_rp

...Is that what you already think, or are you really asking what I'm going to say?

[He brings his hand back down, staring into his coffee again.]

There's a difference between the two. I'd like to know which one it is.

You're right, there's a difference.

[And which one was it? Kakyoin reexamined what he'd just said carefully before coming to a conclusion.]

That's...what I already think. I'm confident enough to guess that you think it would be unnecessary, but I was asking for confirmation. That's all.

...Try asking. Try that instead.

[And now he glances up, the beginnings of a soft plea reflected in his eyes.]

"I feel stupid, Jojo, are you mad at me?" And then — and then just trust me, I...

[...]

I like it when you understand me, when you just know and I don't have to say anything, but...

[......]

But there's a difference. Don't take me out of it entirely. You know? There's a difference.

...Okay. I think...I think I get it.

[This whole thing was starting to seem...fixable the more he looked at it. As though it had never been the insurmountable mess of problems Kakyoin had seen it as in the first place.]

[...Was he really this stupid?]

I feel like an idiot about all of this, Jojo. Are you angry with me?

...Yeah. I am.

[Absently, he reaches for his hat, tugging it off by the brim and setting it aside — like he already knows that the impulse to dig his hand into his hair is coming and he's just getting ready for it.]

I'm mad at you the way Giorno got pissed off at me when I hurt myself right in front of him. He slapped me, and shook me, and said "How dare you, don't do that again, don't you get it, that when you hurt, it hurts me, too."

I try not to say that to you, because I'm always scared if I do, you'll stop hearing me at "How dare you" and fill in the rest on your own. But I think letting you off the hook is just making things worse, too.

So yeah. I'm mad at you. And that day too, all I wanted to do was just grab you and shake you because I hate it when things hurt you and it seems like nobody hurts you more than you hurt yourself.

So...listen, because I'm going to tell you the same thing I got told. Not a demand, not some shit to live up to, not — just fucking listen.

I don't want to watch you kill yourself.

Okay? That's what it feels like. I love you and it's like watching you kill yourself, and I can't save you from that, and I hate it.

. . .

[That was-]

[...actually okay, once he'd taken a minute to properly process it. More than okay, he could understand it. Were their positions reversed, he'd be just as upset, wouldn't he? Completely beside himself, and probably shouting on top of that. And wasn't it, Kakyoin thought, almost exactly shit like this that nearly earned Polnareff a broken nose once? Because he'd been an idiot and spared not even the slightest thought for his life or safety?]

You won't. [The answer came after a long silence, in the shape of quiet determination rather than open denial or an argument.] I don't...want to keep feeling like this. I don't want this to be the kind of person I am now, Jojo. I--I don't know what the hell I want, but I know doing all of this isn't it.

You don't have to keep feeling like this. You don't have to keep being someone you don't want to be. Neither of us do.

[And now, at last, he passes off his coffee cup to Star, mostly untouched, in favor of sliding back to support himself better against the wall and opening his arms loosely in invitation.]

I'm mad at you. Doesn't mean I hate you, or that my feelings have changed. So come here...if you want. Huh?

Yeah. I...okay.

[Just...one thing at a time. It didn't have to get magically repaired all at once, they could work this whole thing out a little at a time until some kind of conclusion was reached. Together.]

[For now, all he did was move over and take up a position leaning back against Jotaro, taking off his glasses in favor of pressing a hand to his face in exhaustion or exasperation.]

[This is nice. Being able to just hold Kakyoin close, with or without words — it's nice. It's comforting. Hopefully he's as comforting right back, even amid the frustration and sadness.]

You can change, if that's what you want. I know you can. I believe in you. Okay?

I know that. Just as much as I believe in you. [His hand dropped away from his eyes in favor of lacing their fingers together.]

...What I'm trying to say is that I'm going to need you with me. Together, like we should be.

Yeah. You know I will be.

[He pauses, giving Kakyoin's fingers a slight squeeze.]

Listen. I'm going to say this, too, because I think it's good for you to hear it. Because I'm speaking from experience when I say it.

You're going to mess up. I have. You're going to backslide; I did. Sometimes change is like...crawling up a steep gravel hill on your elbows. It'll hurt. You'll fuck up. You'll slide back down.

No one is going to stop caring about you if that happens. Understand?

It won't...get annoying?

[It sounded like asking that took actual effort, probably because it did. Kakyoin kept reminding himself that he had to be open and straightforward here, if absolutely nowhere else just yet.]

[...He really, really still wasn't great at the whole friendship thing.]

I don't want to end up looking like some kind of lost cause.

You can't worry about it like that.

[He pulls him a little closer, nuzzling down onto the top of his head.]

When something inside you says, "I'm afraid I look like a lost cause", tell it, "Jotaro would never give up on me." Until it shuts up.

... [Kakyoin laughed to himself, squeezing Jotaro's hand in response.]

I can do that. You're the only person I know that's more stubborn than I am, after all.

Good. Try that for a while, and see where it gets you.

Hopefully not too far from right here. I'm kind of enjoying where we are at the moment.

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