starmark | IC Inbox | rubycity_rp

You weren't livid when I fucked up and told Giorno about you. That one night, remember? Or I guess if you were livid, you didn't take it out on me.

[He goes quiet a minute.]

I'm never going to be able to shout louder than the voice in your head, Nori. I get that now.

[That wasn't the same thing was nearly his answer, but Kakyoin stopped himself. Dying was easy compared to everything Jotaro had to deal with that night and every day after it as far as he was concerned, but this wasn't the time or the place to get into semantics.]

I don't think I understand what you're talking about, Jojo. [He finally looked up, setting the coffee aside to focus on Jotaro in mild confusion. Did I say something wr- No, he shut down that line of thought before it could even start. Am I some kind of lost caus- And that one followed right along with it. But if not that, said a stubbornly panicked part of his mind, then what?]

"Let's just get this over with so you can call me a fucking idiot."

"I'll just keep my stupid mouth shut so I don't step out of line again."

That's what the me in your head does, when you make a mistake. Says shit like that. That's the me that some part of you always expects me to be. Right?

I--

[Deep breath. Stay focused. Of course that was wrong, and of course he knew it. Believing it was where things got tricky. But that was what having support was for, wasn't it? If he could just manage to say it, then...he could be proven wrong, couldn't he?]

...It's...easy to fall back into thinking I don't fit in all of this. My parents aren't vampire hunters or Hamon masters, I don't have any kind of fate or ancient family legacy tying me to all of this, and I only ended up in all of this by chance. Now that it's over, I-...part of me is just worried that I'll screw up badly enough for the rest of you to realize there's not much point in having someone like that around.

I'm just not like the rest of you. And I'm so sick of being different from everyone else. Jojo, I don't want to keep thinking like that. I don't know how I even got to this point and I'm not sure how to fix it.

It's not like this is some kind of exclusive fucking club.

[The obscenity slips out on its own, but if there's an edge to it, it's clearly not directed at Kakyoin; the irritability is too vague, too nebulous to belong to anything but the situation in general.]

Maybe that's how it looks from a different viewpoint, I don't know. All I have is mine. I didn't end up in this by design any more than you did. I just got handed all this shit and told to deal with it.

[The truest definition of the Joestar Legacy. Here's a bunch of shit you never asked for; it's yours to deal with now.]

You make yourself different because that's what you've been telling yourself your whole life. Maybe you just don't know how to be anything else, because of that. You're different because you look for ways to make yourself different. That's why you were one of us the whole way to Egypt and still telling yourself that you had to earn your place to be there.

[He sighs, reaching up to rub his eyes.]

I can't stop you from thinking that way. That's what I meant — nothing I say is going to drown out the things you tell yourself in your head. It just bothers me when you use the me in your head to do it. When you use some idea of me like an excuse to keep yourself out.

... [Kakyoin took another slow breath to keep his voice even. He just had to speak honestly, that was all. So far it hadn't taken any sharp turn into disasters, and Kakyoin was starting to let himself hope that it wouldn't.]

So I'm the only one that can stop that, in other words. That's...okay. I'm not sure how just yet, but I think I can start there. If I can stop listening to that, then...neither of us will have to deal with it.

[Then it came down to which part of Kakyoin was more stubborn; the insistent self-loathing or the part that was completely sick of this shit]

I want to apologize again for being so stupid about all this, but...I think I'll start by guessing you'll say that isn't necessary, right?

...Is that what you already think, or are you really asking what I'm going to say?

[He brings his hand back down, staring into his coffee again.]

There's a difference between the two. I'd like to know which one it is.

You're right, there's a difference.

[And which one was it? Kakyoin reexamined what he'd just said carefully before coming to a conclusion.]

That's...what I already think. I'm confident enough to guess that you think it would be unnecessary, but I was asking for confirmation. That's all.

...Try asking. Try that instead.

[And now he glances up, the beginnings of a soft plea reflected in his eyes.]

"I feel stupid, Jojo, are you mad at me?" And then — and then just trust me, I...

[...]

I like it when you understand me, when you just know and I don't have to say anything, but...

[......]

But there's a difference. Don't take me out of it entirely. You know? There's a difference.

...Okay. I think...I think I get it.

[This whole thing was starting to seem...fixable the more he looked at it. As though it had never been the insurmountable mess of problems Kakyoin had seen it as in the first place.]

[...Was he really this stupid?]

I feel like an idiot about all of this, Jojo. Are you angry with me?

...Yeah. I am.

[Absently, he reaches for his hat, tugging it off by the brim and setting it aside — like he already knows that the impulse to dig his hand into his hair is coming and he's just getting ready for it.]

I'm mad at you the way Giorno got pissed off at me when I hurt myself right in front of him. He slapped me, and shook me, and said "How dare you, don't do that again, don't you get it, that when you hurt, it hurts me, too."

I try not to say that to you, because I'm always scared if I do, you'll stop hearing me at "How dare you" and fill in the rest on your own. But I think letting you off the hook is just making things worse, too.

So yeah. I'm mad at you. And that day too, all I wanted to do was just grab you and shake you because I hate it when things hurt you and it seems like nobody hurts you more than you hurt yourself.

So...listen, because I'm going to tell you the same thing I got told. Not a demand, not some shit to live up to, not — just fucking listen.

I don't want to watch you kill yourself.

Okay? That's what it feels like. I love you and it's like watching you kill yourself, and I can't save you from that, and I hate it.

. . .

[That was-]

[...actually okay, once he'd taken a minute to properly process it. More than okay, he could understand it. Were their positions reversed, he'd be just as upset, wouldn't he? Completely beside himself, and probably shouting on top of that. And wasn't it, Kakyoin thought, almost exactly shit like this that nearly earned Polnareff a broken nose once? Because he'd been an idiot and spared not even the slightest thought for his life or safety?]

You won't. [The answer came after a long silence, in the shape of quiet determination rather than open denial or an argument.] I don't...want to keep feeling like this. I don't want this to be the kind of person I am now, Jojo. I--I don't know what the hell I want, but I know doing all of this isn't it.

You don't have to keep feeling like this. You don't have to keep being someone you don't want to be. Neither of us do.

[And now, at last, he passes off his coffee cup to Star, mostly untouched, in favor of sliding back to support himself better against the wall and opening his arms loosely in invitation.]

I'm mad at you. Doesn't mean I hate you, or that my feelings have changed. So come here...if you want. Huh?

Yeah. I...okay.

[Just...one thing at a time. It didn't have to get magically repaired all at once, they could work this whole thing out a little at a time until some kind of conclusion was reached. Together.]

[For now, all he did was move over and take up a position leaning back against Jotaro, taking off his glasses in favor of pressing a hand to his face in exhaustion or exasperation.]

[This is nice. Being able to just hold Kakyoin close, with or without words — it's nice. It's comforting. Hopefully he's as comforting right back, even amid the frustration and sadness.]

You can change, if that's what you want. I know you can. I believe in you. Okay?

I know that. Just as much as I believe in you. [His hand dropped away from his eyes in favor of lacing their fingers together.]

...What I'm trying to say is that I'm going to need you with me. Together, like we should be.

Yeah. You know I will be.

[He pauses, giving Kakyoin's fingers a slight squeeze.]

Listen. I'm going to say this, too, because I think it's good for you to hear it. Because I'm speaking from experience when I say it.

You're going to mess up. I have. You're going to backslide; I did. Sometimes change is like...crawling up a steep gravel hill on your elbows. It'll hurt. You'll fuck up. You'll slide back down.

No one is going to stop caring about you if that happens. Understand?

It won't...get annoying?

[It sounded like asking that took actual effort, probably because it did. Kakyoin kept reminding himself that he had to be open and straightforward here, if absolutely nowhere else just yet.]

[...He really, really still wasn't great at the whole friendship thing.]

I don't want to end up looking like some kind of lost cause.

You can't worry about it like that.

[He pulls him a little closer, nuzzling down onto the top of his head.]

When something inside you says, "I'm afraid I look like a lost cause", tell it, "Jotaro would never give up on me." Until it shuts up.

... [Kakyoin laughed to himself, squeezing Jotaro's hand in response.]

I can do that. You're the only person I know that's more stubborn than I am, after all.

Good. Try that for a while, and see where it gets you.

Hopefully not too far from right here. I'm kind of enjoying where we are at the moment.

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