starmark | IC Inbox | rubycity_rp

This is what I remember, every time someone defends him. That whole night, everything he did. Who even thinks of something like that? How fucked up do you have to be?

[He scrubs at his eyes with the back of one hand, yanking the knife free of the wood with the other; it's in deep, and takes some effort to work it free.]

Jonathan came here thinking that bastard was dead and he wasn't, he waited a hundred damn years for us and then he came back, so I had to kill him and it was supposed to be done with, and now we're all here and he's back again, and I don't know why it won't just...

[But then he stops, seeming to realize he's said more than he might've intended to, in words raw and miserable and more emotional than rational by a long shot. And when he does, there's a moment where his expression just turns vulnerable and bewildered, like the fact that those feelings had come out at all is an astonishment and an uncertain miracle.]

If he's alive, he's a threat. I can't see it any other way, Giorno.

[Did you come here to get angry with him? No. No, you didn't. Because he has a right to be angry, and you know it, and you don't. So stand here and listen, and if it becomes too much, find something to do with your hands.]

[He watches Jotaro with quiet eyes, listens as attentively as anyone has ever listened to anything in the history of the world. The world, in fact, turns on his attention, as it always does.]

[The World. Does he feel guilty for passing that piece of information along? No. He should. But he doesn't. So many things he should, and doesn't. What can someone do with a name?]

[Everything. A name is everything.]

[He crosses over to the tree and tugs the stiletto out, frowning slightly at the blade as he ascertains its condition. Perfect, of course; he always keeps his knives perfect. Carefully, he wipes the edge off with his shirt until it's quite clean.]

And you see it as your job to take care of threats.

...Don't make it sound like I want it to be. What I want is for it to be done.

[Though he can't quite make himself go the extra step further, and complete the logic. So it has to stay implied, the concluding thought that it would be done if I just went and killed him.

Is he, in the end, the real monster lurking out in the shadows of these woods?]

Isn't that what it's going to take?

I'm not making it sound like anything, Jotaro. I'm trying to understand.

[It's easy to see that Jotaro wants to be done. It's just as easy to see that he doesn't understand how it can be. If he's being honest, Giorno can't blame him. If Diavolo were here, he'd kill him immediately. Even if he were a child.]

[Unless, of course, he were not precisely Diavolo at the time.]

[Everything is complicated.]

What is "done"? Is it "not afraid"? Is it "safe"? Because you'll still be afraid if he's dead. You'll be afraid of yourself on top of everything else. And in this city, you'll never be safe. So what part of the definition of "done" am I missing?

[That turn of phrase gives him pause. I'm trying to understand. That's...what he wants, right? Maybe not just what he wants, either, but what he craves. Always, because he knows his faults, whether it's in the terrible things that have happened to him or in the simple everyday flaws of wishing he could speak with actions instead of words, it's understanding at the end of the day that he needs.

Kakyoin understands him when he doesn't have words. Giorno understands him, and is trying to do it again.

Maybe he needs that so badly right now because he can't even understand himself, and so deep down something inside him is crying out for someone else to do it, and make it make sense to him.

So he absorbs the questions, asking them of himself as much as Giorno is asking of him. When is he done? He knows it's what he wants, but that doesn't mean he knows how to get there. Does that make it blind whim, a fantasy he really can't have?]

...I don't know. It's "not feeling like this". Done is when he's not just...out there where he can fuck up my life any more than he already has.

["Not feeling like this". That's a hard one. Some of it, maybe even most of it, has to come from the inside. But some of it has to come from the outside, too. No one can feel safe without safety existing. No one can move past the need for safety, on to other things in life, without safety being there enough to be taken for granted.]

[He tucks the stiletto back into his boot and runs his hand over the trunk of the tree. There's a gouge there. He never can feel anyone else's pain, he thinks he would die if he could, but sometimes he thinks he can imagine it, hurt bleeding like sap over his fingers and oozing under his skin.]

If you don't know, then maybe we can figure it out.

[His hand glows gold; he presses his palm flat to the wound in the tree.]

Have you seen how he talks to Jonathan lately?

[I have.]

He's been talking shit to Jonathan?

[It doesn't surprise him, which is probably also why it's the conclusion he leaps to. But Jonathan can handle himself, right? Or at least, he trusts Jonathan to handle himself. Trusted. It's hard, when trust wears thin in one place all of a sudden every other place starts looking unreliable too. But no, Jonathan is Jonathan, so it's fine. Right?

He watches in thoughtful silence as Giorno moves and calls on his Stand to fix the damage he'd made in the tree trunk. Wouldn't it be nice, if Stands were only ever put to that use. Only good things, only mending. Wouldn't that be something.]

I hadn't heard that.

Is that what I said?

[It's not accusatory. It's just a question - one that he has to ask, unfortunately, because he can tell Jotaro that he's seeing things through this lens until he's blue in the face, but it's not going to do shit until Jotaro comes to understand it for himself. He doesn't look up, just pushes Gold Experience's energy into the gash in the trunk, feels it knitting up under his fingers. He's taking a little longer than he needs to, just so he'll have something to do with his hands.]

...How else would he talk to Jonathan?

[But he frowns. That first time, that first conversation, all that stupid shit about the turtles. He'd shown it to Jonathan after the fact — I don't think you'll ever see this side of him, I don't know what it means. Is this what it means, is this the something else he hadn't been able to pin down at the time?]

The answer is, generally, that he wouldn't.

[He pulls his hand away and leans in slightly to inspect the trunk. It's perfect, like nothing has ever hurt it, and it lifts a weight off his heart and his shoulders. He runs his fingers reverently up the trunk until he can't reach any higher, then leans against it, his head nestled against the crook of a low branch.]

More often lately, Jonathan initiates conversation. Dio does not want to speak with him. Or see him. Or think about him. He'll rise when Jonathan speaks to him, or challenges him, because to do otherwise is weak, he thinks. But he doesn't want it.

[Now there's a jarring thought — Dio Brando, not wanting to talk. The Dio in his memories, all he does is talk; he talks and talks while time ticks away, filling the moments left between life and death.]

...But he's asking about us. Why seek us out if that's not what he wants?

Because he thinks he has to. Because he thinks that his future, or at least one version of it, is tied up with Jonathan and his family, and it terrifies him.

Jonathan terrifies him. He saw what Jonathan can do with Hamon, that night in the park. I thought he was going to pass out. He thinks he has to know so that he can protect himself, and maybe he's right.

Jonathan...doesn't just go around hurting people. Why would he assume that, if he doesn't think he's done something to deserve it?

[He frowns, suddenly struck with the urge not to be standing anymore; he casts around like he's looking for something, and eventually just settles for widening his stance, shifting his weight slightly from foot to foot as he hovers there near the mended tree.]

What does he have to be afraid of?

[He looks up at Jotaro with clear eyes, his posture straight, secure.]

I was afraid of Jonathan once.

[He almost says why, because his center of gravity is stuck so fast in himself, in January 16th, in Cairo — but before he can do it, he stops and really thinks about it, thinks about Giorno and fear, and no, he knows exactly what he means, doesn't he, because he was there when it happened.

The why is the little dark-haired boy who hides and cries and ended up with one ear that he can stuff all the way inside his head. It's someone who saw Jonathan drawn up to his full height — Jotaro, you lied to me — and he's not the same height as Jonathan, he's nowhere near as broad, it's not the same as someone who can meet him eye to eye and act like a roadblock, is it. Giorno was afraid of Jonathan once, and he curled up in on himself like he'd wanted to disappear and...

...

And that's what Dio sees? He saw what Jonathan can do with Hamon, it terrifies him — but it's Jonathan, who would ever be afraid of Jonathan?

...Giorno was. Once.

Working through the thought process shakes him; that much is clear from his expression. But at the end of it, he finds himself suspended over a void, unsure where the final step is supposed to land. Or maybe he has some idea, at least, but it's never something he's much liked to consider at length.

Dio is a person. Dio has interests. It follows that he'd have fears, too. Apparently, those are of...them.

It's the reverse of what it's supposed to be. Isn't it?]

...

[His gaze casts away, back into the shadowy forest. The monsters don't come near him anymore, do they. Deterrence.

Isn't that really just a different way of saying, I want them so afraid of me that they'll never come near me again?]

So we're the monsters. The way he sees it.

Yes. That's the way he sees it.

[It would be easier, much easier, if he said he couldn't imagine how awful it must be. But that would be a lie. He can imagine it easily. It's not something he lives with every day anymore, but he knows it, he'll always know it, it'll never be something he can live without. He thought for a while that he could escape it, but no. It will always be just out of sight at best.]

[That is what it is. He doesn't have to live in the thick of it anymore, at least. Dio does. Dio who's surrounded by people who hate him, who knows that someone in this city killed him once, who can't know who it was, can't protect himself because these shadowy strangers must be protected first.]

[After a moment's pause, a moment's observation, he takes a step to the side, so he's standing in the periphery of Jotaro's vision.]

Would you like to walk? It's very cold.

[And it's hard, standing still like this. Hard to think, hard not to explode.]

Sure. Toward the beach, or back to the house?

[His hands go deeper into his pockets, instinctively burrowing down into Giorno's borrowed scarf at the mention of the cold.]

...How often do you talk to him, Giorno?

The beach, I think. I'd like to go to the beach.

[Something in his expression flickers. It's not guilt. Something else, but he doesn't know what himself.]

Every few days.

Okay.

[That's easy enough; the path is long since familiar by now, and the navigation even without it isn't difficult. He turns in the direction of the beach and starts forward, conscious of his own stride so he doesn't end up forcing Giorno to hurry along at his side trying to keep up.]

...I'm not going to ask what you talk about.

You can if you want to.

[It's natural to fall into step behind Jotaro; it feels like the safest thing that's gone down in this forest tonight. He isn't afraid of Jotaro, what he said was the truth, but nothing about the rest of this is easy.]

You're in the middle in a way no one else is. And in a way you can't help, or get rid of.

[He sighs, ducking his head.]

I'd rather just believe in you. I don't want to know.

. . . You're good to me.

[So briefly, he brushes his fingers against Jotaro's sleeve. I'm here.]

You're worried that someone else is going to make you unsafe?

...Yeah. I —

[He stops short, hesitates. After a minute, he starts again, lower and more ragged than before.]

"You push past your limits. You could be on the verge of death and still stand back up. You're self-sacrificing; how you expect to protect anyone like that is beyond me. You're closed off. You don't let anyone get close to you. You go out of your way for other people and never do anything for yourself."

There's somebody here who knows me, a decade in the future. That's what he said I'm like, when he knows me. And on days like today...I feel like that guy he described. Not the one I've been trying so damn hard to be instead.

But all that guy can think about is how...nothing is safe. Least of all him, and the people he cares most about.

. . . And you don't want to be him.

[That makes sense. For the first time, he feels like Jotaro really does understand what it's like, having the specter of a nebulous future self always dogging your steps. His is not evil, not the way Giorno could be; he could never see Jotaro taking the nosedive he can always feel in himself, just around the corner. But there's someone worse, someone who doesn't care about himself, someone who is always afraid.]

You're working so hard. You don't want it all to be in vain. You want to be someone that you can be proud of. Ho ragione?

I don't. But I know I will be, in an instant. If I have to live like this.

[...]

Sometimes not wanting to know is as much to protect myself as anything else.

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