starmark | IC Inbox | rubycity_rp

[He looks up at Jotaro with clear eyes, his posture straight, secure.]

I was afraid of Jonathan once.

[He almost says why, because his center of gravity is stuck so fast in himself, in January 16th, in Cairo — but before he can do it, he stops and really thinks about it, thinks about Giorno and fear, and no, he knows exactly what he means, doesn't he, because he was there when it happened.

The why is the little dark-haired boy who hides and cries and ended up with one ear that he can stuff all the way inside his head. It's someone who saw Jonathan drawn up to his full height — Jotaro, you lied to me — and he's not the same height as Jonathan, he's nowhere near as broad, it's not the same as someone who can meet him eye to eye and act like a roadblock, is it. Giorno was afraid of Jonathan once, and he curled up in on himself like he'd wanted to disappear and...

...

And that's what Dio sees? He saw what Jonathan can do with Hamon, it terrifies him — but it's Jonathan, who would ever be afraid of Jonathan?

...Giorno was. Once.

Working through the thought process shakes him; that much is clear from his expression. But at the end of it, he finds himself suspended over a void, unsure where the final step is supposed to land. Or maybe he has some idea, at least, but it's never something he's much liked to consider at length.

Dio is a person. Dio has interests. It follows that he'd have fears, too. Apparently, those are of...them.

It's the reverse of what it's supposed to be. Isn't it?]

...

[His gaze casts away, back into the shadowy forest. The monsters don't come near him anymore, do they. Deterrence.

Isn't that really just a different way of saying, I want them so afraid of me that they'll never come near me again?]

So we're the monsters. The way he sees it.

Yes. That's the way he sees it.

[It would be easier, much easier, if he said he couldn't imagine how awful it must be. But that would be a lie. He can imagine it easily. It's not something he lives with every day anymore, but he knows it, he'll always know it, it'll never be something he can live without. He thought for a while that he could escape it, but no. It will always be just out of sight at best.]

[That is what it is. He doesn't have to live in the thick of it anymore, at least. Dio does. Dio who's surrounded by people who hate him, who knows that someone in this city killed him once, who can't know who it was, can't protect himself because these shadowy strangers must be protected first.]

[After a moment's pause, a moment's observation, he takes a step to the side, so he's standing in the periphery of Jotaro's vision.]

Would you like to walk? It's very cold.

[And it's hard, standing still like this. Hard to think, hard not to explode.]

Sure. Toward the beach, or back to the house?

[His hands go deeper into his pockets, instinctively burrowing down into Giorno's borrowed scarf at the mention of the cold.]

...How often do you talk to him, Giorno?

The beach, I think. I'd like to go to the beach.

[Something in his expression flickers. It's not guilt. Something else, but he doesn't know what himself.]

Every few days.

Okay.

[That's easy enough; the path is long since familiar by now, and the navigation even without it isn't difficult. He turns in the direction of the beach and starts forward, conscious of his own stride so he doesn't end up forcing Giorno to hurry along at his side trying to keep up.]

...I'm not going to ask what you talk about.

You can if you want to.

[It's natural to fall into step behind Jotaro; it feels like the safest thing that's gone down in this forest tonight. He isn't afraid of Jotaro, what he said was the truth, but nothing about the rest of this is easy.]

You're in the middle in a way no one else is. And in a way you can't help, or get rid of.

[He sighs, ducking his head.]

I'd rather just believe in you. I don't want to know.

. . . You're good to me.

[So briefly, he brushes his fingers against Jotaro's sleeve. I'm here.]

You're worried that someone else is going to make you unsafe?

...Yeah. I —

[He stops short, hesitates. After a minute, he starts again, lower and more ragged than before.]

"You push past your limits. You could be on the verge of death and still stand back up. You're self-sacrificing; how you expect to protect anyone like that is beyond me. You're closed off. You don't let anyone get close to you. You go out of your way for other people and never do anything for yourself."

There's somebody here who knows me, a decade in the future. That's what he said I'm like, when he knows me. And on days like today...I feel like that guy he described. Not the one I've been trying so damn hard to be instead.

But all that guy can think about is how...nothing is safe. Least of all him, and the people he cares most about.

. . . And you don't want to be him.

[That makes sense. For the first time, he feels like Jotaro really does understand what it's like, having the specter of a nebulous future self always dogging your steps. His is not evil, not the way Giorno could be; he could never see Jotaro taking the nosedive he can always feel in himself, just around the corner. But there's someone worse, someone who doesn't care about himself, someone who is always afraid.]

You're working so hard. You don't want it all to be in vain. You want to be someone that you can be proud of. Ho ragione?

I don't. But I know I will be, in an instant. If I have to live like this.

[...]

Sometimes not wanting to know is as much to protect myself as anything else.

That makes sense.

[That's something he can understand. But at the same time--]

[He tugs on Jotaro's sleeve, more urgently this time.]

If you killed him, I think it would have the same result. You wouldn't feel safe from yourself.

[He glances over at Giorno, raising his arm a little in response to the tug, and eventually responds by simply reaching to put his arm around Giorno's shoulders instead.]

Because I'm not a killer?

[Oh. Well, that wasn't his goal exactly, but he'll take it. He's still leery of getting too close, in case Jotaro doesn't want him to, but if the distance is already being closed anyway, he's comfortable taking the initiative to nestle in. His hand bunches in the back of Jotaro's jacket, idle, companionable.]

Because you're not a killer. Because you want to be someone with a life, not someone who takes lives. Because you're afraid of being like him.

[He sucks in a slow breath. You're afraid of being like him. Of course, they've met each other on that front more than once, haven't they? Both of them understand that struggle all too well, the shadow of that person hanging over their lives, and the fear of discovering just how far it extends through their skin and inside themselves.]

...Am I doing it again? Throwing myself away, for the sake of the goal? ...I am...that's just a different way of killing myself to win, isn't it...

[It's important that Jotaro have time to think, to understand, to come to his own conclusions. It hurts, but it's important. All he does while the wheels are turning is rub small circles against Jotaro's back, rest his cheek against his arm.]

[The answer is obvious, anyway.]

Killing part of yourself that matters to you is another way of killing yourself. That's what I think.

...Thanks for coming out here after me, Giorno.

[He ducks his head, gaze listing to one side before wandering back into Giorno's direction.]

What do you think I should do? I'm not...I'm not going to kill anyone. What do I do instead? Just...act like it's nothing?

Ti voglio molto bene, Jotaro.

[Which is not precisely an answer, but also is. It means thank you.]

[He shakes his head decisively.]

Not that. Definitely not that. That's how you become Bruno.

Is he still doing that?

[Which is a subject change, there's no denying or disguising that, but it's also the natural thing to ask. Bruno is important, but his understanding of Bruno has also evolved in the time that he's known the man. He's still a unique and guiding presence, but lately he's grown to understand how that's only part of the equation that is Bruno, too.]

Sometimes it feels like...the only Jotaro I really know how to be, deep down, is the wrong Jotaro. It's easier to be the wrong one than the right one.

He's . . . better than I expected. But he made me promise not to bother him until it was time, so I'm respecting him while worrying.

[Worrying about everyone right now, really. This - he doesn't like that word, wrong.]

What does that mean, "wrong"?

He told me I could check in on him once in a while. I said I wouldn't push, so long as he'd let me do that much. He gets to set the pace.

[But.]

It's...I guess, solving the problem first and worrying about the consequences afterward. That's wrong, when the consequences involve hurting myself. I don't know why it's still so easy, telling myself "it doesn't matter, I don't matter, so long as..." whatever.

That doesn't make you wrong, Jotaro. It's a wrong thing to do, but there's no wrong version of you. A sadder one, maybe.

[This time he doesn't hesitate, just slides his arm around Jotaro's waist and leans into him, fierce and firm, his gaze unyielding.]

I know why it's easy. Because when you have to fight for your life, it gets burned into your bones. What you're doing now is healing. It's hard. It's much harder than fighting.

...Yeah.

[He's right, isn't he? Healing, that's what this is. Sometimes setbacks are a part of healing, a re-broken bone or a scab that comes off too early. Things can be healed and still show scars. A setback in the process isn't the same thing as confirmation that it'll never close over.

Absently, he thinks of Giorno's hands glowing gold, and the tree he'd pierced with the knife. Healing. It doesn't just come from his Stand, does it, but from his understanding, too.]

I...want to ask you something, but I'm. I'm.

[...]

...I'm scared. Of the answer.

[That makes him look up further, lean back a little bit to take in the entirety of Jotaro's expression. His friend, his brother, scared. His important person, admitting he's scared. He's never met anyone so brave in his life.]

That's okay. You're allowed to be scared. And you can take your time asking, too. Nothing bad is going to happen.

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