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[starmark]

. . . Yare yare. What is it? Hurry up and say something already.



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[digiorno]

Is that what I said?

[It's not accusatory. It's just a question - one that he has to ask, unfortunately, because he can tell Jotaro that he's seeing things through this lens until he's blue in the face, but it's not going to do shit until Jotaro comes to understand it for himself. He doesn't look up, just pushes Gold Experience's energy into the gash in the trunk, feels it knitting up under his fingers. He's taking a little longer than he needs to, just so he'll have something to do with his hands.]

[starmark]

...How else would he talk to Jonathan?

[But he frowns. That first time, that first conversation, all that stupid shit about the turtles. He'd shown it to Jonathan after the fact — I don't think you'll ever see this side of him, I don't know what it means. Is this what it means, is this the something else he hadn't been able to pin down at the time?]

[digiorno]

The answer is, generally, that he wouldn't.

[He pulls his hand away and leans in slightly to inspect the trunk. It's perfect, like nothing has ever hurt it, and it lifts a weight off his heart and his shoulders. He runs his fingers reverently up the trunk until he can't reach any higher, then leans against it, his head nestled against the crook of a low branch.]

More often lately, Jonathan initiates conversation. Dio does not want to speak with him. Or see him. Or think about him. He'll rise when Jonathan speaks to him, or challenges him, because to do otherwise is weak, he thinks. But he doesn't want it.

[starmark]

[Now there's a jarring thought — Dio Brando, not wanting to talk. The Dio in his memories, all he does is talk; he talks and talks while time ticks away, filling the moments left between life and death.]

...But he's asking about us. Why seek us out if that's not what he wants?

[digiorno]

Because he thinks he has to. Because he thinks that his future, or at least one version of it, is tied up with Jonathan and his family, and it terrifies him.

Jonathan terrifies him. He saw what Jonathan can do with Hamon, that night in the park. I thought he was going to pass out. He thinks he has to know so that he can protect himself, and maybe he's right.

[starmark]

Jonathan...doesn't just go around hurting people. Why would he assume that, if he doesn't think he's done something to deserve it?

[He frowns, suddenly struck with the urge not to be standing anymore; he casts around like he's looking for something, and eventually just settles for widening his stance, shifting his weight slightly from foot to foot as he hovers there near the mended tree.]

What does he have to be afraid of?

[digiorno]

[He looks up at Jotaro with clear eyes, his posture straight, secure.]

I was afraid of Jonathan once.

[starmark]

[He almost says why, because his center of gravity is stuck so fast in himself, in January 16th, in Cairo — but before he can do it, he stops and really thinks about it, thinks about Giorno and fear, and no, he knows exactly what he means, doesn't he, because he was there when it happened.

The why is the little dark-haired boy who hides and cries and ended up with one ear that he can stuff all the way inside his head. It's someone who saw Jonathan drawn up to his full height — Jotaro, you lied to me — and he's not the same height as Jonathan, he's nowhere near as broad, it's not the same as someone who can meet him eye to eye and act like a roadblock, is it. Giorno was afraid of Jonathan once, and he curled up in on himself like he'd wanted to disappear and...

...

And that's what Dio sees? He saw what Jonathan can do with Hamon, it terrifies him — but it's Jonathan, who would ever be afraid of Jonathan?

...Giorno was. Once.

Working through the thought process shakes him; that much is clear from his expression. But at the end of it, he finds himself suspended over a void, unsure where the final step is supposed to land. Or maybe he has some idea, at least, but it's never something he's much liked to consider at length.

Dio is a person. Dio has interests. It follows that he'd have fears, too. Apparently, those are of...them.

It's the reverse of what it's supposed to be. Isn't it?]

...

[His gaze casts away, back into the shadowy forest. The monsters don't come near him anymore, do they. Deterrence.

Isn't that really just a different way of saying, I want them so afraid of me that they'll never come near me again?]

So we're the monsters. The way he sees it.

[digiorno]

Yes. That's the way he sees it.

[It would be easier, much easier, if he said he couldn't imagine how awful it must be. But that would be a lie. He can imagine it easily. It's not something he lives with every day anymore, but he knows it, he'll always know it, it'll never be something he can live without. He thought for a while that he could escape it, but no. It will always be just out of sight at best.]

[That is what it is. He doesn't have to live in the thick of it anymore, at least. Dio does. Dio who's surrounded by people who hate him, who knows that someone in this city killed him once, who can't know who it was, can't protect himself because these shadowy strangers must be protected first.]

[After a moment's pause, a moment's observation, he takes a step to the side, so he's standing in the periphery of Jotaro's vision.]

Would you like to walk? It's very cold.

[And it's hard, standing still like this. Hard to think, hard not to explode.]

[starmark]

Sure. Toward the beach, or back to the house?

[His hands go deeper into his pockets, instinctively burrowing down into Giorno's borrowed scarf at the mention of the cold.]

...How often do you talk to him, Giorno?

[digiorno]

The beach, I think. I'd like to go to the beach.

[Something in his expression flickers. It's not guilt. Something else, but he doesn't know what himself.]

Every few days.

[starmark]

Okay.

[That's easy enough; the path is long since familiar by now, and the navigation even without it isn't difficult. He turns in the direction of the beach and starts forward, conscious of his own stride so he doesn't end up forcing Giorno to hurry along at his side trying to keep up.]

...I'm not going to ask what you talk about.

[digiorno]

You can if you want to.

[It's natural to fall into step behind Jotaro; it feels like the safest thing that's gone down in this forest tonight. He isn't afraid of Jotaro, what he said was the truth, but nothing about the rest of this is easy.]

[starmark]

You're in the middle in a way no one else is. And in a way you can't help, or get rid of.

[He sighs, ducking his head.]

I'd rather just believe in you. I don't want to know.

[digiorno]

. . . You're good to me.

[So briefly, he brushes his fingers against Jotaro's sleeve. I'm here.]

You're worried that someone else is going to make you unsafe?

[starmark]

...Yeah. I —

[He stops short, hesitates. After a minute, he starts again, lower and more ragged than before.]

"You push past your limits. You could be on the verge of death and still stand back up. You're self-sacrificing; how you expect to protect anyone like that is beyond me. You're closed off. You don't let anyone get close to you. You go out of your way for other people and never do anything for yourself."

There's somebody here who knows me, a decade in the future. That's what he said I'm like, when he knows me. And on days like today...I feel like that guy he described. Not the one I've been trying so damn hard to be instead.

But all that guy can think about is how...nothing is safe. Least of all him, and the people he cares most about.

[digiorno]

. . . And you don't want to be him.

[That makes sense. For the first time, he feels like Jotaro really does understand what it's like, having the specter of a nebulous future self always dogging your steps. His is not evil, not the way Giorno could be; he could never see Jotaro taking the nosedive he can always feel in himself, just around the corner. But there's someone worse, someone who doesn't care about himself, someone who is always afraid.]

You're working so hard. You don't want it all to be in vain. You want to be someone that you can be proud of. Ho ragione?

[starmark]

I don't. But I know I will be, in an instant. If I have to live like this.

[...]

Sometimes not wanting to know is as much to protect myself as anything else.

[digiorno]

That makes sense.

[That's something he can understand. But at the same time--]

[He tugs on Jotaro's sleeve, more urgently this time.]

If you killed him, I think it would have the same result. You wouldn't feel safe from yourself.

[starmark]

[He glances over at Giorno, raising his arm a little in response to the tug, and eventually responds by simply reaching to put his arm around Giorno's shoulders instead.]

Because I'm not a killer?

[digiorno]

[Oh. Well, that wasn't his goal exactly, but he'll take it. He's still leery of getting too close, in case Jotaro doesn't want him to, but if the distance is already being closed anyway, he's comfortable taking the initiative to nestle in. His hand bunches in the back of Jotaro's jacket, idle, companionable.]

Because you're not a killer. Because you want to be someone with a life, not someone who takes lives. Because you're afraid of being like him.

[starmark]

[He sucks in a slow breath. You're afraid of being like him. Of course, they've met each other on that front more than once, haven't they? Both of them understand that struggle all too well, the shadow of that person hanging over their lives, and the fear of discovering just how far it extends through their skin and inside themselves.]

...Am I doing it again? Throwing myself away, for the sake of the goal? ...I am...that's just a different way of killing myself to win, isn't it...

[digiorno]

[It's important that Jotaro have time to think, to understand, to come to his own conclusions. It hurts, but it's important. All he does while the wheels are turning is rub small circles against Jotaro's back, rest his cheek against his arm.]

[The answer is obvious, anyway.]

Killing part of yourself that matters to you is another way of killing yourself. That's what I think.

[starmark]

...Thanks for coming out here after me, Giorno.

[He ducks his head, gaze listing to one side before wandering back into Giorno's direction.]

What do you think I should do? I'm not...I'm not going to kill anyone. What do I do instead? Just...act like it's nothing?

[digiorno]

Ti voglio molto bene, Jotaro.

[Which is not precisely an answer, but also is. It means thank you.]

[He shakes his head decisively.]

Not that. Definitely not that. That's how you become Bruno.