starmark | IC Inbox | prismatica

Yeah, I know. I do. It's — easy to get scared. When he's like that.

[Because he remembers, of course, when Adrian disappeared. When he came back with welts in his flesh and guilt in his eyes. How he'd hidden himself and begged for space that Jotaro ached to give. How he'd blamed himself for disloyalty when he'd been the one most blameless of anyone.]

He wants someone to love him like you wanted someone to see Hierophant.

[He closes his eyes, nuzzling down into Kakyoin's hair again.]

But you kept him awake. Not just anybody could've. It wasn't just the things you did, Nori. Some of it — is because it was you doing them.

I-

[ He's not sure what level of called the fuck out he should feel right now, but it's absolutely an amount of called the fuck out that is greater than zero. Because Jotaro understanding how desperate he's always been for someone to see Hierophant makes him feel seen in a way he's not used to being seen, even by him. Because Jotaro catches on immediately that it's not just his usual fear of being powerless at play here but something else. A fear of being not just not good enough but of being entirely the wrong tool for the task. Of being unable to help Adrian because he's just the wrong thing entirely.

Jotaro's breath is in his hair, warm and soft, and the last few days melt out of him. Safe. They're safe. Adrian isn't going to do anything stupid and he's very good at lying to law enforcement and after days of it taking everything he had just to keep himself calm enough to be of any use at all to Adrian, trying to regroup enough to find Jotaro-

-they're going to be okay. The end isn't just in sight, they reached it and didn't even notice. The tension leaves him and he just hangs limply from Jotaro's neck, exhausted and boneless. ]

-I missed you. [ It feels incomplete. Not enough. Like everything for the last week has felt not enough. But harmless in its uselessness. He can say it and it doesn't matter that it doesn't come close to communicating the whole of it - that he's been terrified in ways he hasn't even been able to process for the last few days, that he's been so buried in attempting to mitigate the disaster that is Adrian that he's had no time to even start to be the disaster that is himself, that what would he do, what would he do if Jotaro didn't come back - because Jotaro already knows.

His eyes are damp against Jotaro's neck. ]

[He feels it, the wet heat of Kakyoin's unshed tears against his skin, and just like that, the composure of a boy with the power of a god shatters.

He's held it together for so long now, because he had to. Even after things changed for the better. Even after Kakyoin was dead and wasn't again, and Speedwagon showed up from the past with his charge to hunt the Corpse Parts, and jumping from this rift to the next and the next, different times, different eras, different people — he'd held it together, because he had to, because there was still work yet to be done.

Then he'd gone back over it all like a gardener with his bonsai, trimming here and there, making the slightest changes to the existing tree to make it divert where it needed to — never an upheaval, never a roundabout, but little interventions as simple as he held on a little longer, help got there in time.

And now he's here. Back in the arms of the people he loves, giving more of himself — and willingly, utterly, tenderly — to them because they need him, making sure they're all right, bringing the world back to equilibrium once again —

And Kakyoin whispers I missed you, and finally Jotaro Kujo gets the gift of being allowed to break.

His hands scrabble at Kakyoin's clothes, digging into the fabric with more desperation than before as he shifts from holding to clinging and his breath turns ragged, and maybe he ought to be loath to let anyone see him cry, but that's a problem that doesn't even come close to being on his radar right now.

His voice is thick and choked. He's crying, too, not that anyone can see it — a secret pressed against Kakyoin's hair for safekeeping.]

M-Missed you too...

[He doesn't get to break. He doesn't get to be weak. He doesn't get to be anything but the person everyone depends on, the pillar of support they all know will stand sure as stone.

Except that this time he does. Wrapped up in his living not-dead not-zombie not-gone boyfriend on a rooftop in a city in the middle of no-one-knows-where, he gets to stop and breathe and cry.

And he does.]

[ There’s an equilibrium to it. A push and a pull. Call and response. The tension leaves him and twists into Jotaro, both for the same reason. Makes him limp and boneless in a way that dead bodies never are. Makes Jotaro's breath tear its way out of him like it’s barbed. And he’s not quite crying and Jotaro’s not quite crying and really neither of them are crying because crying is a verb and a verb implies action. This isn’t action. What they’re doing is stopping. Letting themselves not be strong. Surrendering to gravity. The tears are just happening, no more a result of their actions than the fact that their feet are touching the ground.

The fact that Jotaro’s feet are touching the roof, at least.

He reaches up, because it’s Jotaro’s arms holding his weight really. His own are superfluous. His arms feel like lead hands on the end of thread-arms spun from dust and spiderwebs, but eventually he settles a hand at the back of Jotaro’s head. Strands of thick, dark hair curl around his fingers, bones hidden in long grass. ]

Let’s go inside. I only came up here to give the two of you some privacy.

Hah...thought you did it to steal my roof.

[There is nothing, he thinks absently, nothing, nothing, nothing that he could ever do or change or create with all the power that Star Platinum has at his disposal, nothing that would turn out so right as the feeling of Kakyoin's fingers threading through his curls right at this moment.]

I love you. That's the future I want. The one where I get to love you, and you love me back.

That's-

[ They don't talk about the future. Never. He knows, vaguely, that Adrian talks about it. About finding Jotaro in the future. Staying with him ever when they leave this place. He knows there's a woman in Jotaro's future, one who cares about deeply enough to bring Jolyne into the world.

For some reason, he never saw himself as being part of that. It always felt like he was only ever meant to be a transient part of Jotaro's life. Like this was impermanent. Like they were going to go home and- he doesn't know how to finish that sentence. Pretend like nothing happened, maybe. Jotaro's future was always a thing that wasn't for him. He's never pictured himself in it.

(That sound again. Glass breaking, muffled by layers of clothing. It feels like being punched in the stomach.)

His eyes are still wet. Water trickles down the side of Jotaro's neck. His voice is warm, soft, only slightly strained. ]

-it's going to be annoying, you know. All the hospital nonsense.

Yeah. And you're gonna be pissy about it the whole time, aren't you.

[He shifts his head, just slightly, and gently brings his hand back to the back of Kakyoin's head, cradling it like it's permission to stay hidden against the column of his neck.]

Well. It could be worse.

[He brushes his fingers up and down the shallow length of the nape of Kakyoin's neck, between where his hairline ends and his shoulders begin.]

Sooner or later someone's gonna have to tell your mom about me.

Fuck, she'll hate you.

[ Or maybe she won't. Maybe she'll be happy for him. He never was able to pretend well enough to keep her from worrying about his inability to connect with other people. Maybe that'll be what she sees. That, not her son being dragged off to Egypt by a delinquent. Maybe she'll be so glad that he made it home that it won't matter. ]

Maybe a little less, now you're not smoking. It's funny, she thinks that other people can be a bad influence on me. Like I'm not the bad influence just because I'm at the top of-

[ A long pause, tinged with slight horror. ]

...I've not attended school since it began again after summer. I'll be at the bottom of the class. We missed the university admissions test.

[This he says, frantically, horrified, to the person who — as it has just been established — not only loves him with every fiber of his being, but who can literally remake the universe as he sees fit, and could with one swing of his Stand's mighty fist remedy the entire issue wholesale.]

Yup.

[BUT HE'S NOT GOING TO DO THAT, BECAUSE WHY THE HELL WOULD HE]

We're totally fucked, Nori. It's the end of the line for you.

[He says, barely able to keep his laughter back.]

[ He hasn't worried about this since he came here and he's not sure why. That test was the last thing that would really hold meaning for him before he had to choose something from a list of things he's always known wouldn't make him happy. One last thing to perfect and he's fucked it up.

It stopped mattering. It stopped mattering the moment he met Jotaro, but he just hasn't been able to think about that until now. First it was secondary to Holly's survival. And then there was no sense in thinking about it because it was one more thing Dio stole from him.

So now he has to figure out how he feels about it very quickly. Because if it doesn't matter? If it doesn't matter then he's not perfect. He's not even striving for perfection. And all he's ever had to define himself outside of that is loving Jotaro Kujo.

(And loving Dio, once. And not quite loving Adrian, in the same way that he was never quite about to reach perfection. But trying to. Working his way toward loving Adrian in the same way he'd try to master any skill, through study and practice and regular testing.) ]

You're a terrible influence. She really is going to hate you. Fuck.

[ He shakes slightly, but the breath that accompanies it moves outward sharply, not inward. Laughter, not sobbing. It doesn't matter. It's stupid that it mattered in the first place. ]

But she'll be happy, I think. That I love you.

If she hates me, then we'll just go somewhere else. We can move to America. Or France, and be near Polnareff. She can hate me from half a world away, like Jiji hates my dad.

[A future. A plan for the future, for all of them, because they all have a future now. They're all going to move forward into it, together.

It startles him a little, to realize how much he really wants that. To look back on the last time he'd arrived in Lunatia and remember how empty the prospect of the future had seemed, just a bleak darkness ahead and sharp thorns behind and his whole body and soul too exhausted to want to move another inch.

Now he craves it. He wants it so bad he can taste it. He wants Kakyoin and Adrian with him. They can all be happy, he's sure of it.]

American universities won't care about entrance exams. Adrian's going to need a fake identity anyway. We'll fake all your records, too.

[These aren't even real plans; they're just dreams. Whimsy, babbled on the edge of laughter, because it finally feels okay to laugh again.]

No you will not.

[ Have any four words ever sounded as furiously grumpy but also uttely, completely adoring? Probably not. He strokes his hand through Jotaro's hair, carefully untucking his head from under his chin to look up at him. His eyes are bright and rimmed with more red than his eyelashes alone can account for, and he's doing his best to look stern instead of loving. Failing, but at something he doesn't mind so much failing at. ]

If I get accepted into anywhere it will be because I am fucking brilliant and for no other reason.

[He really is beautiful, Jotaro thinks helplessly, treated to all Kakyoin's grubby weeping imperfections from just a few inches away and beside himself in the face of them. Kakyoin tries so hard to be, tries to fight and scrabble and grasp for every last thing he is so that he can always trace a path back to the origins of each of his qualities, cause and effect and a documented paper trail.

He's never had to try to be beautiful. Just look at him now; he's grumpy and his hair's a mess and his eyelashes are damp and sticking together in clumps, and it feels like if Jotaro had to let him go right now, he couldn't make himself do it. Unthinkable. He could never.]

I never said we'd make them different than what they already would've been.

[He's kidding. Provoking. It feels amazing.]

Unacceptable. [ His mouth presses together, thin and wide and anger, even feigned anger, accentuates a lot of the things he dislikes about his face but fuck it. Jotaro can see him ugly. ] Unacceptable. They can accept me with my actual results or they can regret it.

[ You've given me a chance, he doesn't say because he's certain something has changed but he's too messed up by emotion in the moment to quite put his finger on what, and I've never needed more than that.

It's novel, being able to make plans. Even in a stupid, stupid way. He likes it. ]

If they don't, I'll just go to whatever university I please anyway. What are they going to do, drag me out of classes every time?

You really are a bad influence.

[Because he can imagine it so vividly, can't he? Kakyoin, finding his way back into the lecture hall again and again, constantly being led out and never taking no for an answer. Showing up until they relent. In a war of spite and attrition, he'd bet on Kakyoin every time.]

...I really do want to go to America. I mean, someday. Not near New York, that's too close to Jiji. Florida, or California. Someplace with an ocean.

Someone has to be the bad influence. And you're terrible at it.

[ He doesn't need to move much to kiss Jotaro. Just an inch or so, to brush their lips together. Just a little further to press harder so they seal properly and he can taste his stupid stale not-slept-properly-in-far-too-long breath. He breaks eye contact by closing his eyes as he does, and he doesn't open them again for a few seconds after the kiss is broken.

His mouth isn't pressed thin anymore. ]

I don't know how long it'll be before I can travel. It might be months. Years. [ He pauses awkwardly, because he wants two things at once and they're not compatible. One, Jotaro would give him in a heartbeat. The other- ]

I don't want you to wait for me. I want you to go to America and take him with you and let me catch up.

...What?

[The kiss is sweet, and soothes his frazzled nerves of weeks upon weeks just like all the others have before it, but then Kakyoin introduces a notion that he genuinely wasn't expecting — ha ha, hilarious, he's got the powers of a god and reality bends at his will and even now, even so, Noriaki Kakyoin can still catch him off-guard — and his brow furrows beneath the astonishment of it, his expression a mask of disbelief and protest.]

No — no way, no. I'm staying with you. I wouldn't ever leave you behind. We're going to go together, when you're ready...

[But are they? Or will Kakyoin get what he wants, however baffling and implausible, just like he always does?]

You don't really want me to go...you're just saying that...right?

Of course I don't really want you to go. I want to be with you. I want to sleep on top of you every night. I want to get mad at you for making dick jokes every time I have to have a tube shoved down my throat. I want to make Adrian watch at least twelve different shows and sit in his lap to play videogames and make you look at all the porn people have made of baseball mascots and-

[ -So maybe that started out as him trying to reassure Jotaro that he doesn't actively want him done and ended as a list of reasons to argue against the very thing he's asking for. ]

-and I want you to be able to have a normal life without having to wait for me before you can start it. I want Adrian to be somewhere where he won't stick out like a sore thumb.

We could buy him a school uniform...

[He doesn't actually know if that's an attempt at a joke or an attempt at weakly protesting the very good point that Kakyoin makes. The optics of it bother him — taking Adrian and running away with him while Kakyoin languishes back home in a hospital bed — but this may be one of those areas where Kakyoin's personal brand of ruthless clarity has the advantage on him. Kakyoin knows he'll run himself ragged trying to make things work out for everyone. Kakyoin is the one capable of making the harder call, when Jotaro's answer is always just to take all the burden onto his own shoulders.

They all deserve to have a chance. And he could wave his hands and make the problem just go away, just like that; he has the power to change everything if he wants, just because he wants to, and no one could stop him.

But he won't.

Kakyoin could ask him to fix it, but he doesn't. Kakyoin could speak one word and know he'd change the universe for him in an instant, without even thinking twice.

And he doesn't.

It's not supposed to be that easy. It's not supposed to be selfish. And that means that sometimes it's going to be hard, just like it is for everyone else who can't just swing a fist and make reality bend to their own will.]

What if we come visit. If I say that we'll go...then at least don't make me stay away until you're completely well again.

[He licks his lips, missing Kakyoin's kisses already, feeling as though they've gone dry and cracked.]

We'll bring stuff from America. Big stupid stuffed animals. Contraband. We'll sneak it in to you.

[ They need to let it be difficult. He said that, once. He only half-remembers what he was talking about. But they can let it be difficult, and from there they can find ways to make it easier. ]

Of course you have to visit. And you have to bring back weird American food. And the ugliest tourist things you can find.

[ He shouldn't be tearing up at the idea of weird sweets and giant stuffed animals and t-shirts with horrible slogans to use as pyjamas. And yet here he is, doing exactly that. He lowers his head for a moment, smushing his face into Jotaro's shoulder to wipe his eyes on his coat. ]

And I'll find you, remember? Sooner or later.

Hugo 2. I'll make Adrian bake another one.

[He doesn't want to agree. He doesn't want this to be hard. They've had to have it hard for long enough already, he doesn't want it to be harder still.

But it has to be, and it should be. It's hard, accepting that on one level even as he rebels against it on a different one.]

I just...don't want you to think we abandoned you. Because if — if you're going to think that, even once, even for a second...then I can't go. I won't. Okay?

Hugo, Son of Hugo. Hugo the Avenger.

[ He laughs despite himself. Brings his free hand up to Jotaro's cheek and lets his eyes crinkle as he shudders with laughter again. ]

You never would. Neither of you. I know. [ Jotaro would never abandon him, he knows that much for certain. It's why he has to carefully negotiate just to keep him from putting his life on hold for two months and keeping Adrian in a place where he'll always look like an outsider. And he knows Adrian less well, but well enough to know that 'don't leave me' is one of the few desperate requests that keeps him from hiding in coffins. Adrian wouldn't abandon anyone. ] There'll be times that I'm mad you're not there. But I won't think it's because you left me alone.

And I will find a way to let you know that I'm mad from halfway across the world. You don't need to worry about that.

You can be mad. You get to be mad at anything you want. You can get so mad you'll get well in a hurry just to come kick my ass about it.

[He turns his head, bringing his lips to touch against Kakyoin's fingertips, each one in its turn before sinking down to kiss his palm as well.]

I'll leave you my coat. You can wear it around the hospital and look like a real thug. And I'll keep your earrings. So you have to come back and get them yourself.

I'll look ridiculous.

[ Jotaro turns to kiss his hand over and over and

and he loves him.

This isn't a new revelation, but it doesn't hit any less hard for a lack of novelty. He loves Jotaro Kujo. Not because he's desperate and lonely. Not because he's so starved for human connection that he doesn't realise that it isn't meant to hurt. Not because Jotaro was the first person to really believe he was worth anything or because he saved him or because he owes him.

He loves Jotaro Kujo because Jotaro Kujo can never manage to kiss him just once. Because he needed to be convinced to leave him be rather than putting his life on hold to wait for him where anyone else would need to be convinced not to abandon him. Because he's kind, and because he's good at making people feel like they're worth kindness.

His other hand, the one buried in Jotaro's hair, pushes his head forward until their lips connect again. He kisses. Kisses again. Doesn't move back, so his lips are still moving over Jotaro's when he speaks. ]

We have time, before that. We should make the most of it.

IC Inbox | prismatica

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