starmark | IC Inbox | prismatica

[This he says, frantically, horrified, to the person who — as it has just been established — not only loves him with every fiber of his being, but who can literally remake the universe as he sees fit, and could with one swing of his Stand's mighty fist remedy the entire issue wholesale.]

Yup.

[BUT HE'S NOT GOING TO DO THAT, BECAUSE WHY THE HELL WOULD HE]

We're totally fucked, Nori. It's the end of the line for you.

[He says, barely able to keep his laughter back.]

[ He hasn't worried about this since he came here and he's not sure why. That test was the last thing that would really hold meaning for him before he had to choose something from a list of things he's always known wouldn't make him happy. One last thing to perfect and he's fucked it up.

It stopped mattering. It stopped mattering the moment he met Jotaro, but he just hasn't been able to think about that until now. First it was secondary to Holly's survival. And then there was no sense in thinking about it because it was one more thing Dio stole from him.

So now he has to figure out how he feels about it very quickly. Because if it doesn't matter? If it doesn't matter then he's not perfect. He's not even striving for perfection. And all he's ever had to define himself outside of that is loving Jotaro Kujo.

(And loving Dio, once. And not quite loving Adrian, in the same way that he was never quite about to reach perfection. But trying to. Working his way toward loving Adrian in the same way he'd try to master any skill, through study and practice and regular testing.) ]

You're a terrible influence. She really is going to hate you. Fuck.

[ He shakes slightly, but the breath that accompanies it moves outward sharply, not inward. Laughter, not sobbing. It doesn't matter. It's stupid that it mattered in the first place. ]

But she'll be happy, I think. That I love you.

If she hates me, then we'll just go somewhere else. We can move to America. Or France, and be near Polnareff. She can hate me from half a world away, like Jiji hates my dad.

[A future. A plan for the future, for all of them, because they all have a future now. They're all going to move forward into it, together.

It startles him a little, to realize how much he really wants that. To look back on the last time he'd arrived in Lunatia and remember how empty the prospect of the future had seemed, just a bleak darkness ahead and sharp thorns behind and his whole body and soul too exhausted to want to move another inch.

Now he craves it. He wants it so bad he can taste it. He wants Kakyoin and Adrian with him. They can all be happy, he's sure of it.]

American universities won't care about entrance exams. Adrian's going to need a fake identity anyway. We'll fake all your records, too.

[These aren't even real plans; they're just dreams. Whimsy, babbled on the edge of laughter, because it finally feels okay to laugh again.]

No you will not.

[ Have any four words ever sounded as furiously grumpy but also uttely, completely adoring? Probably not. He strokes his hand through Jotaro's hair, carefully untucking his head from under his chin to look up at him. His eyes are bright and rimmed with more red than his eyelashes alone can account for, and he's doing his best to look stern instead of loving. Failing, but at something he doesn't mind so much failing at. ]

If I get accepted into anywhere it will be because I am fucking brilliant and for no other reason.

[He really is beautiful, Jotaro thinks helplessly, treated to all Kakyoin's grubby weeping imperfections from just a few inches away and beside himself in the face of them. Kakyoin tries so hard to be, tries to fight and scrabble and grasp for every last thing he is so that he can always trace a path back to the origins of each of his qualities, cause and effect and a documented paper trail.

He's never had to try to be beautiful. Just look at him now; he's grumpy and his hair's a mess and his eyelashes are damp and sticking together in clumps, and it feels like if Jotaro had to let him go right now, he couldn't make himself do it. Unthinkable. He could never.]

I never said we'd make them different than what they already would've been.

[He's kidding. Provoking. It feels amazing.]

Unacceptable. [ His mouth presses together, thin and wide and anger, even feigned anger, accentuates a lot of the things he dislikes about his face but fuck it. Jotaro can see him ugly. ] Unacceptable. They can accept me with my actual results or they can regret it.

[ You've given me a chance, he doesn't say because he's certain something has changed but he's too messed up by emotion in the moment to quite put his finger on what, and I've never needed more than that.

It's novel, being able to make plans. Even in a stupid, stupid way. He likes it. ]

If they don't, I'll just go to whatever university I please anyway. What are they going to do, drag me out of classes every time?

You really are a bad influence.

[Because he can imagine it so vividly, can't he? Kakyoin, finding his way back into the lecture hall again and again, constantly being led out and never taking no for an answer. Showing up until they relent. In a war of spite and attrition, he'd bet on Kakyoin every time.]

...I really do want to go to America. I mean, someday. Not near New York, that's too close to Jiji. Florida, or California. Someplace with an ocean.

Someone has to be the bad influence. And you're terrible at it.

[ He doesn't need to move much to kiss Jotaro. Just an inch or so, to brush their lips together. Just a little further to press harder so they seal properly and he can taste his stupid stale not-slept-properly-in-far-too-long breath. He breaks eye contact by closing his eyes as he does, and he doesn't open them again for a few seconds after the kiss is broken.

His mouth isn't pressed thin anymore. ]

I don't know how long it'll be before I can travel. It might be months. Years. [ He pauses awkwardly, because he wants two things at once and they're not compatible. One, Jotaro would give him in a heartbeat. The other- ]

I don't want you to wait for me. I want you to go to America and take him with you and let me catch up.

...What?

[The kiss is sweet, and soothes his frazzled nerves of weeks upon weeks just like all the others have before it, but then Kakyoin introduces a notion that he genuinely wasn't expecting — ha ha, hilarious, he's got the powers of a god and reality bends at his will and even now, even so, Noriaki Kakyoin can still catch him off-guard — and his brow furrows beneath the astonishment of it, his expression a mask of disbelief and protest.]

No — no way, no. I'm staying with you. I wouldn't ever leave you behind. We're going to go together, when you're ready...

[But are they? Or will Kakyoin get what he wants, however baffling and implausible, just like he always does?]

You don't really want me to go...you're just saying that...right?

Of course I don't really want you to go. I want to be with you. I want to sleep on top of you every night. I want to get mad at you for making dick jokes every time I have to have a tube shoved down my throat. I want to make Adrian watch at least twelve different shows and sit in his lap to play videogames and make you look at all the porn people have made of baseball mascots and-

[ -So maybe that started out as him trying to reassure Jotaro that he doesn't actively want him done and ended as a list of reasons to argue against the very thing he's asking for. ]

-and I want you to be able to have a normal life without having to wait for me before you can start it. I want Adrian to be somewhere where he won't stick out like a sore thumb.

We could buy him a school uniform...

[He doesn't actually know if that's an attempt at a joke or an attempt at weakly protesting the very good point that Kakyoin makes. The optics of it bother him — taking Adrian and running away with him while Kakyoin languishes back home in a hospital bed — but this may be one of those areas where Kakyoin's personal brand of ruthless clarity has the advantage on him. Kakyoin knows he'll run himself ragged trying to make things work out for everyone. Kakyoin is the one capable of making the harder call, when Jotaro's answer is always just to take all the burden onto his own shoulders.

They all deserve to have a chance. And he could wave his hands and make the problem just go away, just like that; he has the power to change everything if he wants, just because he wants to, and no one could stop him.

But he won't.

Kakyoin could ask him to fix it, but he doesn't. Kakyoin could speak one word and know he'd change the universe for him in an instant, without even thinking twice.

And he doesn't.

It's not supposed to be that easy. It's not supposed to be selfish. And that means that sometimes it's going to be hard, just like it is for everyone else who can't just swing a fist and make reality bend to their own will.]

What if we come visit. If I say that we'll go...then at least don't make me stay away until you're completely well again.

[He licks his lips, missing Kakyoin's kisses already, feeling as though they've gone dry and cracked.]

We'll bring stuff from America. Big stupid stuffed animals. Contraband. We'll sneak it in to you.

[ They need to let it be difficult. He said that, once. He only half-remembers what he was talking about. But they can let it be difficult, and from there they can find ways to make it easier. ]

Of course you have to visit. And you have to bring back weird American food. And the ugliest tourist things you can find.

[ He shouldn't be tearing up at the idea of weird sweets and giant stuffed animals and t-shirts with horrible slogans to use as pyjamas. And yet here he is, doing exactly that. He lowers his head for a moment, smushing his face into Jotaro's shoulder to wipe his eyes on his coat. ]

And I'll find you, remember? Sooner or later.

Hugo 2. I'll make Adrian bake another one.

[He doesn't want to agree. He doesn't want this to be hard. They've had to have it hard for long enough already, he doesn't want it to be harder still.

But it has to be, and it should be. It's hard, accepting that on one level even as he rebels against it on a different one.]

I just...don't want you to think we abandoned you. Because if — if you're going to think that, even once, even for a second...then I can't go. I won't. Okay?

Hugo, Son of Hugo. Hugo the Avenger.

[ He laughs despite himself. Brings his free hand up to Jotaro's cheek and lets his eyes crinkle as he shudders with laughter again. ]

You never would. Neither of you. I know. [ Jotaro would never abandon him, he knows that much for certain. It's why he has to carefully negotiate just to keep him from putting his life on hold for two months and keeping Adrian in a place where he'll always look like an outsider. And he knows Adrian less well, but well enough to know that 'don't leave me' is one of the few desperate requests that keeps him from hiding in coffins. Adrian wouldn't abandon anyone. ] There'll be times that I'm mad you're not there. But I won't think it's because you left me alone.

And I will find a way to let you know that I'm mad from halfway across the world. You don't need to worry about that.

You can be mad. You get to be mad at anything you want. You can get so mad you'll get well in a hurry just to come kick my ass about it.

[He turns his head, bringing his lips to touch against Kakyoin's fingertips, each one in its turn before sinking down to kiss his palm as well.]

I'll leave you my coat. You can wear it around the hospital and look like a real thug. And I'll keep your earrings. So you have to come back and get them yourself.

I'll look ridiculous.

[ Jotaro turns to kiss his hand over and over and

and he loves him.

This isn't a new revelation, but it doesn't hit any less hard for a lack of novelty. He loves Jotaro Kujo. Not because he's desperate and lonely. Not because he's so starved for human connection that he doesn't realise that it isn't meant to hurt. Not because Jotaro was the first person to really believe he was worth anything or because he saved him or because he owes him.

He loves Jotaro Kujo because Jotaro Kujo can never manage to kiss him just once. Because he needed to be convinced to leave him be rather than putting his life on hold to wait for him where anyone else would need to be convinced not to abandon him. Because he's kind, and because he's good at making people feel like they're worth kindness.

His other hand, the one buried in Jotaro's hair, pushes his head forward until their lips connect again. He kisses. Kisses again. Doesn't move back, so his lips are still moving over Jotaro's when he speaks. ]

We have time, before that. We should make the most of it.

IC Inbox | prismatica

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject