starmark | IC Inbox | prismatica

I don't.
I don't really know.

I've been wondering. Because of this. And because it's been.
Well, it hasn't really been a year.
But the calendar says it has.

I remember two different sets of events.
And I don't really recall either very well. I don't know if it's because I was fucked up or because.

Because everything else is a little bit fucked up.

Do you remember?

...
i

i remember, yeah
both sets of things
because i'm the one who changed it

i think part of changing it is that i have to be the one who remembers

I thought you might.

I think.
I need to know. At least I need to know what happens this time. The time I was there.

I should have said this before I sent the pictures. The picture was meant to be a distraction. In case you didn't want me to do it.
Because I'm going to do it anyway.

I'm not asking for permission and I'm not asking you to come with me.
I'm just telling you to warn you. Because you don't have to deal with it but you do have to deal with me whether you like it or not. So if it messes with me then
I guess you don't have to deal with me if I'm being shitty but I know you will. You always do.

I forgot to say what I'm going to do. I'm going to those machines.
Sometime soon I think.

i understand
i know how it feels to
...
to need to do it, i guess

because you're right
it's different when you're living through it moment by moment
than when you go back and do it again
when you kind of know what's coming
what to watch for

but i want to go with you
if you'll let me

not because you need me to
but this way i can be there for you
even if it's only after you're finished

I didn't understand before. Why you'd want to do it again. I don't really understand now. But I don't like that I can't remember. I don't like that I was there but that I don't really know what happened. I didn't like it when I came here and found out I'd been here before and couldn't remember it. But it's different when.

It's different when it's because of you.

That's not how I wanted to say that. It's not because of you. It's because I'm alive, so I have things that I should remember. The being alive is because of you. You changed things to make me alive, and I don't remember the parts of that night that I was alive for that I wasn't alive for before. I don't know if the two are related. There were a lot of things that night that would lead to my memory being fuzzy.

Or maybe I was unconscious, in which case this is going to be boring as fuck but I'll know that it's normal that I don't remember anything.

You didn't fuck with my head. You didn't make me forget things. You wouldn't. But I don't remember and it bothers me and if I don't fix things it'll be on my mind forever. Just waiting there. I'm a shitty person who lashes out and if I don't fix it then sooner or later I'll dwell on it so long that I'll get mad and want to hurt you and I'll say that you made me forget like he made me forget.
And I won't mean it and maybe I'll even apologise and we'll never talk about it again.
But you'll remember.

It's the only thing that you'd remember like Adrian remembers.

So I need to know what happened. And I need to see it for myself. If nothing else then to disarm future-me.

That was a lot of words to not really say anything at all. What I mean is.

You can come with me.
But I need you to not change anything, no matter what happens. Because if you change things to make it easier for me then I'll still be able to say that to you. I need to know that I've seen things exactly as they were.

[He listens quietly, and it is a lot. It's a lot to have to bear, even from just the implications of what Kakyoin is saying. The potential for what could be. The distrust. The mistakes. The need to know.

It's hard, but hard to bear and hard to accept are two very different things. He accepts it instantly, because he understands. Because he remembers Adrian's fears, the words he can never unhear. Because he remembers his own, always, always — they're the same type of Stand.

His feelings are complicated. But the answer is ultimately rather simple.]

that's why i want to come
is so that you'll see everything
what you saw and what i saw
you'll see as much as the two of us together can give you

but
here's what we should do
so that you'll be able to be sure, absolutely

you go first, alone
watch what you remember and see
and then i'll join you and we'll watch it again

that's how you'll know i didn't change anything
you won't have to rely on just a promise

Yeah. Yeah, that sounds. Not good, but right. You remember it alone, now. So I'll remember it alone. Then we can remember together and we'll both.

We'll both get it. And if it fucks us up we'll know why and how to fix it.

Thanks for humouring me. It. It means a lot, knowing that you want me safe. Knowing that if you had your way nothing would ever hurt me. But it means a lot more that you let me pull this shit, even knowing it's going to suck.

I'm assuming it's going to suck. That or I really am just unconscious for the whole thing and you're just doing a fantastic job of not laughing at how dramatic I'm making it.

oh come on
i wouldn't do that
it's not like you're polnareff

you aren't unconscious for the whole thing
i'll leave it to you to see what happened in detail but

he
the first time around
the universe i changed
he really did have to kill you to keep you down, nori

you'd only have stopped if you were dead

I hope he was appropriately surprised that it even worked. I hope he was keeping one eye open the whole time, just in case it wasn't enough.

During Cordis, then. Or we're done with moon nonsense for the month. If I'm asking you not to protect me then I'm not going to do it while you're Sanguis. I'm awful but I'm not that awful.

ok
during cordis sounds like the best thing
that way neither of us is fucked up

and we're not stuck thinking about it until the end of the month either

That sounds best.

I don't actually want to seduce you right now. In case that wasn't clear.
But can I put Hierophant in you tonight anyway? Not for. Not for anything like that.

Just so I know where you are. That you're okay.

to really know if i'm ok, you mean
you want to listen to my heart and stuff, right

i still get to move and everything?
you just want him with me?

Yeah. You can still move around. He won't fight you, he'll just.

Be there. To measure. He likes being able to put numbers to things. Both of is do.

then yeah
you can put him in me

i'd like that too i think
knowing he's there

can't promise i won't give him some numbers to measure though
y'know
just to keep him on his toes

Technically they'll be your toes.

I'm glad you're. You know.
Open to the idea of me hiding a stand inside you and doing amateur medical examinations to make myself feel secure. I recognise that it's kind of a lot to ask.

It means a lot to me.

i like it
it makes me feel safe too
and not alone

when he's inside me i think about that first time i let you do it
when you took the marker and drew where he was on my skin
and then i looked at myself and he was just
everywhere
and close to me

i like it when you're close to me

I like it, too. It's. I was happier than I'd ever been before, back then, most days. And sadder. And angrier. And more afraid. More of everything. And then when I'm close to you and Hierophant has all the numbers he needs to know that you're safe it's. Just the happy.

It's strange to think that I'll be looking back at a time when you didn't know that I loved you. It's strange to think that you ever could not know. It hasn't even been that long, but it's hard to imagine.

Or maybe you do know, this time around. I don't really understand how that works. At what point everything converges. When you stop being the Jotaro experiencing the changes and become the Jotaro who changes things.

if you want star
while hierophant is inside me i mean
you can have him
i want you to feel safe that way too

You know.

I bet if I tucked in my knees I could just about fit on his chest.

[ It's a few days later when he makes his way to the machines. He hasn't actually seen them before, even though he's used similar technology for some of the games he plays. Until now he hasn't had much reason to use them. He doesn't say he's nervous, but he does grow tenser and tenser as they make their way there until they're standing in front of the things and he looks about as flexible as a stick figure. ]

I'm going to start at sunset. That's when it gets difficult to remember, around the time that we rejoined with Polnareff.

Yeah. That's right, that's about when it was. Before that, there wasn't...

[It's strange to be standing in this room at this time of year, again. He remembers doing it last year, himself. Remembers his insistence on reliving that night as a sort of...catharsis, or something, and how Adrian had gone with him because he'd been afraid he was doing it to punish himself. There's nothing in the world that scares him more than the specter of Dio Brando has managed to scare him, but the problem is that the anchor of his fear and the events that inflicted it aren't a perfect overlap. He was afraid that night, but he was so desperate to stay alive that he really didn't have time to be.

Reliving it again had been a reconciliation. Realigning the sentiment and the things that caused it, so that he could finally confront it all properly. That's what Kakyoin is doing now, sort of, and being here for it isn't just about protecting him, isn't just about his own feelings.

It's because Jotaro remembers what it feels like afterward, too. Not just drained, not just tired, but desperate for contact. Desperate for the warm comfort of a human tether in the midst of a tempest of memories.

He reaches out gently, running the backs of his fingers up and down Kakyoin's arm, high on the side near his shoulder.]

I changed as little as possible. I didn't try to make sure nothing bad ever happened, just that...the worst of it didn't.

I know. And I know it must have been tempting, but-

[ -it's the first thing he asked of Jotaro after meeting him again, isn't it? Let it be difficult. And back then it had meant that he needed to process everything. It means something different now. The more Jotaro changes, the easier he makes it, the more selfish he would have to be to not change still more and try to make everything right. The more he becomes something that belongs to the concept of right-ness rather than belonging to him and Adrian. Something with an unavoidable duty to the world (something that belongs to The World).

Let it be difficult, let it hurt, so that he can stay theirs. So he can stay human instead of whatever it is that Dio wanted to be.

(And that's where the three of them meet, isn't it? Himself, always aware that he'd tricked everyone into thinking of him as human and desperate to be recognised as something else. Adrian, human and not-human and the two halves never quite fitting together perfectly into a whole, joined at the seam in an ugly way always too visible to those who know what to look for. And Jotaro, faced with a lifelong war now to hold fast to his humanity against all the things that Dio made him.)

It's going to be difficult. He knows that. It's going to hurt. He lifts his other arm, resting his hand over Jotaro's, and he's surprised that it doesn't snap at the elbow. ]

-fuck, better you than me. Imagine if I had to deliberately leave everything imperfect. [ His laugh is genuine but weak. ] I wouldn't last a day.

Better me than anybody, I guess.

[He doesn't say that like it's a good thing, like it's a privilege. Better me than you is the sort of thing you say when you're making yourself a martyr, and in a way he is, but also —

It's not all melancholy. It's not all self-punishing. Some of it is just fact; it's better that he has it, because Kakyoin is right. Better he has it, because he doesn't want it. All of his power is the sort of thing that should only be held by someone who doesn't want it.

And Kakyoin would. Kakyoin would want to make things perfect. Adrian would want to guarantee happiness. Both of them would fall prey to it, sooner or later.

Jotaro just wants his eggs unburned and the bathroom faucet to stop dripping and the stains to come out of Kakyoin's pretty dresses. Jotaro just wants needless, senseless death to have not happened.

So yeah. Better him, indeed.]

Hey. Take all the time you need. Nothing says you have to jump into it right away.

It's silly, isn't it? That I'd even need time.

[ And maybe he doesn't need it. If Jotaro wasn't here he'd probably just storm right in and deal with it and get it all done with.

But time is being offered to him, and not needing something isn't the same as not wanting it. A little more time, another still moment with his hand rested over Jotaro's rested over his arm, isn't at all necessary but it makes things easier in the kind of way that things can be easier. Not fixed for him. Just a little less unpleasant. He can feel the stiffness in his elbows and knees subsiding a little, his body no longer actively trying to prevent him from going in. ]

This all already happened. And whatever happens- I know it ends better than the version I remember. [ Genuine optimism fits him about as well as Jotaro's shirts do. ] I shouldn't be longer than- less than twenty minutes, I think.

[ It'd be maybe five if it weren't for needing to see Polnareff bringing Avdol back to them alive. But it's important. He has to erase the sound of Polnareff explaining to a foundation employee not to send anyone in, that there's no body to retrieve. ]

I don't mind. We can pretend that what you needed was me, instead.

[It's an attempt at both comfort and levity, wrapped up into one — a softball pitch for Kakyoin to swing at if he so desires, pouncing on the opportunity to chastise him for being wrong and ridiculous. Being right is comforting to Kakyoin. It's normal. It makes him feel better. So does pettiness, and that sort of setup opens the door wide for both.

He steps against him regardless, wrapping his arms lightly around Kakyoin like he's trying to project some of his own warmth directly into Kakyoin's coil-taut body by osmosis.]

I'm right here, Nori. It'll be okay.

[As he nuzzles against Kakyoin's ear, he thinks of something suddenly, and rumbles a soft laugh.]

Want to switch earrings before you go in? You can take mine.

[And that, too, isn't about the earrings themselves. It's about the act of switching. The preparatory element. The feeling of taking something of Jotaro's and keeping it with him, in the last moments before he goes on alone.]

Fuck off. Even Polnareff would be embarrassed to say that sort of shit.

[ It does help, to be petty. To complain about something that doesn't matter. To make it as important as the things that do, and in doing so make them lighter. He rests his head on Jotaro's chest, bringing a hand up to his ear. They'll change anyway, probably, when he's in there. From the studs he has now to the cheery earrings he used to wear before. But he'll know. ]

I stopped keeping track of which pair was which altogether. [ He admits, and the laugh that follows has a little more life to it than before. Still not mad, ugly laughter, but there's a proper snort that becomes a rhythmic chuckle. Not something that'd be front and centre in a horror movie but maybe something they could use to build atmosphere. ] Yeah. Switch with me.

IC Inbox | prismatica

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