starmark | IC Inbox | prismatica

ok
during cordis sounds like the best thing
that way neither of us is fucked up

and we're not stuck thinking about it until the end of the month either

That sounds best.

I don't actually want to seduce you right now. In case that wasn't clear.
But can I put Hierophant in you tonight anyway? Not for. Not for anything like that.

Just so I know where you are. That you're okay.

to really know if i'm ok, you mean
you want to listen to my heart and stuff, right

i still get to move and everything?
you just want him with me?

Yeah. You can still move around. He won't fight you, he'll just.

Be there. To measure. He likes being able to put numbers to things. Both of is do.

then yeah
you can put him in me

i'd like that too i think
knowing he's there

can't promise i won't give him some numbers to measure though
y'know
just to keep him on his toes

Technically they'll be your toes.

I'm glad you're. You know.
Open to the idea of me hiding a stand inside you and doing amateur medical examinations to make myself feel secure. I recognise that it's kind of a lot to ask.

It means a lot to me.

i like it
it makes me feel safe too
and not alone

when he's inside me i think about that first time i let you do it
when you took the marker and drew where he was on my skin
and then i looked at myself and he was just
everywhere
and close to me

i like it when you're close to me

I like it, too. It's. I was happier than I'd ever been before, back then, most days. And sadder. And angrier. And more afraid. More of everything. And then when I'm close to you and Hierophant has all the numbers he needs to know that you're safe it's. Just the happy.

It's strange to think that I'll be looking back at a time when you didn't know that I loved you. It's strange to think that you ever could not know. It hasn't even been that long, but it's hard to imagine.

Or maybe you do know, this time around. I don't really understand how that works. At what point everything converges. When you stop being the Jotaro experiencing the changes and become the Jotaro who changes things.

if you want star
while hierophant is inside me i mean
you can have him
i want you to feel safe that way too

You know.

I bet if I tucked in my knees I could just about fit on his chest.

[ It's a few days later when he makes his way to the machines. He hasn't actually seen them before, even though he's used similar technology for some of the games he plays. Until now he hasn't had much reason to use them. He doesn't say he's nervous, but he does grow tenser and tenser as they make their way there until they're standing in front of the things and he looks about as flexible as a stick figure. ]

I'm going to start at sunset. That's when it gets difficult to remember, around the time that we rejoined with Polnareff.

Yeah. That's right, that's about when it was. Before that, there wasn't...

[It's strange to be standing in this room at this time of year, again. He remembers doing it last year, himself. Remembers his insistence on reliving that night as a sort of...catharsis, or something, and how Adrian had gone with him because he'd been afraid he was doing it to punish himself. There's nothing in the world that scares him more than the specter of Dio Brando has managed to scare him, but the problem is that the anchor of his fear and the events that inflicted it aren't a perfect overlap. He was afraid that night, but he was so desperate to stay alive that he really didn't have time to be.

Reliving it again had been a reconciliation. Realigning the sentiment and the things that caused it, so that he could finally confront it all properly. That's what Kakyoin is doing now, sort of, and being here for it isn't just about protecting him, isn't just about his own feelings.

It's because Jotaro remembers what it feels like afterward, too. Not just drained, not just tired, but desperate for contact. Desperate for the warm comfort of a human tether in the midst of a tempest of memories.

He reaches out gently, running the backs of his fingers up and down Kakyoin's arm, high on the side near his shoulder.]

I changed as little as possible. I didn't try to make sure nothing bad ever happened, just that...the worst of it didn't.

I know. And I know it must have been tempting, but-

[ -it's the first thing he asked of Jotaro after meeting him again, isn't it? Let it be difficult. And back then it had meant that he needed to process everything. It means something different now. The more Jotaro changes, the easier he makes it, the more selfish he would have to be to not change still more and try to make everything right. The more he becomes something that belongs to the concept of right-ness rather than belonging to him and Adrian. Something with an unavoidable duty to the world (something that belongs to The World).

Let it be difficult, let it hurt, so that he can stay theirs. So he can stay human instead of whatever it is that Dio wanted to be.

(And that's where the three of them meet, isn't it? Himself, always aware that he'd tricked everyone into thinking of him as human and desperate to be recognised as something else. Adrian, human and not-human and the two halves never quite fitting together perfectly into a whole, joined at the seam in an ugly way always too visible to those who know what to look for. And Jotaro, faced with a lifelong war now to hold fast to his humanity against all the things that Dio made him.)

It's going to be difficult. He knows that. It's going to hurt. He lifts his other arm, resting his hand over Jotaro's, and he's surprised that it doesn't snap at the elbow. ]

-fuck, better you than me. Imagine if I had to deliberately leave everything imperfect. [ His laugh is genuine but weak. ] I wouldn't last a day.

Better me than anybody, I guess.

[He doesn't say that like it's a good thing, like it's a privilege. Better me than you is the sort of thing you say when you're making yourself a martyr, and in a way he is, but also —

It's not all melancholy. It's not all self-punishing. Some of it is just fact; it's better that he has it, because Kakyoin is right. Better he has it, because he doesn't want it. All of his power is the sort of thing that should only be held by someone who doesn't want it.

And Kakyoin would. Kakyoin would want to make things perfect. Adrian would want to guarantee happiness. Both of them would fall prey to it, sooner or later.

Jotaro just wants his eggs unburned and the bathroom faucet to stop dripping and the stains to come out of Kakyoin's pretty dresses. Jotaro just wants needless, senseless death to have not happened.

So yeah. Better him, indeed.]

Hey. Take all the time you need. Nothing says you have to jump into it right away.

It's silly, isn't it? That I'd even need time.

[ And maybe he doesn't need it. If Jotaro wasn't here he'd probably just storm right in and deal with it and get it all done with.

But time is being offered to him, and not needing something isn't the same as not wanting it. A little more time, another still moment with his hand rested over Jotaro's rested over his arm, isn't at all necessary but it makes things easier in the kind of way that things can be easier. Not fixed for him. Just a little less unpleasant. He can feel the stiffness in his elbows and knees subsiding a little, his body no longer actively trying to prevent him from going in. ]

This all already happened. And whatever happens- I know it ends better than the version I remember. [ Genuine optimism fits him about as well as Jotaro's shirts do. ] I shouldn't be longer than- less than twenty minutes, I think.

[ It'd be maybe five if it weren't for needing to see Polnareff bringing Avdol back to them alive. But it's important. He has to erase the sound of Polnareff explaining to a foundation employee not to send anyone in, that there's no body to retrieve. ]

I don't mind. We can pretend that what you needed was me, instead.

[It's an attempt at both comfort and levity, wrapped up into one — a softball pitch for Kakyoin to swing at if he so desires, pouncing on the opportunity to chastise him for being wrong and ridiculous. Being right is comforting to Kakyoin. It's normal. It makes him feel better. So does pettiness, and that sort of setup opens the door wide for both.

He steps against him regardless, wrapping his arms lightly around Kakyoin like he's trying to project some of his own warmth directly into Kakyoin's coil-taut body by osmosis.]

I'm right here, Nori. It'll be okay.

[As he nuzzles against Kakyoin's ear, he thinks of something suddenly, and rumbles a soft laugh.]

Want to switch earrings before you go in? You can take mine.

[And that, too, isn't about the earrings themselves. It's about the act of switching. The preparatory element. The feeling of taking something of Jotaro's and keeping it with him, in the last moments before he goes on alone.]

Fuck off. Even Polnareff would be embarrassed to say that sort of shit.

[ It does help, to be petty. To complain about something that doesn't matter. To make it as important as the things that do, and in doing so make them lighter. He rests his head on Jotaro's chest, bringing a hand up to his ear. They'll change anyway, probably, when he's in there. From the studs he has now to the cheery earrings he used to wear before. But he'll know. ]

I stopped keeping track of which pair was which altogether. [ He admits, and the laugh that follows has a little more life to it than before. Still not mad, ugly laughter, but there's a proper snort that becomes a rhythmic chuckle. Not something that'd be front and centre in a horror movie but maybe something they could use to build atmosphere. ] Yeah. Switch with me.

Hahaha.

[There, good. He did his job, and things are a little better. Who even needs the power to punch reality into submission, when he's able to just do this instead?

Gently, he rocks them both back and forth a little, really just shifting his weight from one foot to the other, until things seem calm enough to move on. Then he reaches for the studs in his own ears, unfastening them and working them free one by one.]

All right, then. Here.

[ It's a matter for philosophers, by this point, whether they're trading earrings or trading back or each returning one and giving away another. He undoes the clasps of each of his own earrings, exchanging them for Jotaro's identical ones. Steps back from Jotaro to tilt his head from side to side, showing his own new earrings and checking Jotaro's as if they didn't look exactly the same as before. ]

I should stop putting it off. I want it to be daylight, still, when we're done.

[ Not that it'll matter. Dio will be dead, when they're done. Dio is dead now. He pulls Jotaro down slightly, enough to kiss him. With his own lips and with the press of a hard cold mask against the back of his neck. ]

...Yeah. But you're ready. And I'll be right here when you get out.

[He says it, promises it, and seals it with the touch of his lips, while his shoulders bend and Hierophant curls in behind him like he's the one who needs to be kept safe right now, and not Kakyoin. It's not the last time they'll ever kiss; there will be others, dozens and hundreds of others to come. Still, there's a feeling of finality to this one, regardless, and that makes it that much harder to finally draw back and let go.]

Go on.

[ He goes.

It's easy, in the sense that he doesn't have to do anything. He's not supposed to do anything. He lets his body walk itself through the sunset and the early night, and he observes what it does.

A list of things that are difficult:

He was not expecting to have to contend with the need to interrupt everything by grabbing Polnareff's shoulder and spinning him around and hugging him. It's hard to know whether to blame half a year separated from him or the fact that he looks so tired and worn and desperate that he needs the help remaining upright.

Avdol is unconscious, which is probably for the best. He doesn't want him to be unconscious. He wants him to be awake, even if it means he does have to be awake and aware for his current injuries. He should be yelling and screaming and demonstrating that he's alive.

The doctor is there. The one who repaired his eyes. He wants to say something, but it's probably for the best that he can't. He shouldn't exactly distract him from the task of making sure Avdol doesn't bleed out.

He can't hold Jotaro's hand, because this Jotaro doesn't know yet that he loves him. Because this Kakyoin didn't do that, and he's here to observe and not to change.

He can't yell in Dio's face that he's dead. That he's dead, that he stops for good, doesn't start again after a few seconds, and Jotaro and Kakyoin don't. That he became what he is for nothing because he still fucking dies and he's not a god, he's just too chickenshit to deal with being a human.

The painful parts aren't difficult. They rob him of the ability to move about and change things and make this all inaccurate. He doesn't have to force himself not to move. He just has to wait and endure and let the world turn around him.

He returns. He returns smaller, quieter, folded in on himself slightly. Walks into Jotaro and flops against his chest. They have to go back, still. To do this together. But he can spare a moment to grasp at Jotaro's shirt and laugh so hard it hurts, gloating and ugly and cruel. ]

I knew he was dead. I knew he was dead but seeing him. Seeing that fucker actually squirm. Seeing him know he might die.

[ He doesn't say what it is about seeing it, but it's easy enough to intuit from the laughter. He usually keeps the ugliest parts of himself at least mostly under control, but he wouldn't have the energy to spare for that even if Dio was worth it. It's a nasty, maniacal kind of joy, but still joy. ]

[Someone else, maybe — someone who isn't Jotaro — might be concerned at a reaction like this from Kakyoin. His laughter sounds like hysteria, sounds like malice. People would worry that he went into the machine and came back out again wrong.

Only Jotaro doesn't, because he knows. Sometimes you need to see things before they're real, notions of trust be damned. Sometimes you need to get to the end of the movie so you can watch the monster die. Sometimes you need to go through all the hardship so that you can see yourself left standing at the end, and remember that you already did it once.

He understands. He understands.]

Not just "might". He knew he lost.

[And that's really the magic word when it comes to Kakyoin, isn't it? Not dead. That's not what's really important here. It's that by dying, Dio lost, and they won. They won, and no one died.]

I know. I've got you. You're okay.

I am. [ It's a long, long pause that follows. There's no real sense in waiting, in letting the adrenaline fade. But there's no sense in not doing it, either. His past self isn't going to give a shit that the adrenaline in the present has left him feeling cold and heavy. ] I am.

[ And it has left him cold and heavy. Cold and heavy and ready to curl up against Jotaro's chest and sleep for the next week. Just once more. Just once more, and then they never have to come back here again unless they choose to. Once more, and Dio doesn't get to touch either of them again. ]

I want to say that you don't have to do this. But you do.

Yeah. I knew that all along.

[I knew that before we came, is really what he means. I knew it wouldn't change. He knows all sorts of things now, courtesy of his ability to change the world with a thought and a punch, but he didn't need Star Platinum Over Heaven to know this.]

But we don't have to do it this instant. We don't have to do it the instant you feel up to it again, either. We can do it whenever we want. We don't have to face him on his schedule anymore.

[It's nice to have that sort of control, isn't it? Nice to bite back at Dio in just that slight passive-aggressive way, too. They're not chained to fifty days anymore. They're not bound to "before sunset". He's waiting for them in the simulation, it's true, but he's the one stuck waiting. He can't force them to come back, not until they choose to.]

We could make him wait while you tell me about frogs for hours. Wouldn't that piss him off?

Male Darwin's frogs keep their tadpoles in their mouth to keep them safe. Then spit them out once they're old enough to fend for themselves.

[ It's soft. Quiet. Flat. Followed by a shakey sudden exhale that could just as easily be laughter or a sob and probably isn't really entirely either. It's just an exhale. Just pushing something poisonous out of his body before it causes any more trouble. ]

Glass frogs have transparent stomachs. You can see all their organs squishing around inside them. It's disgusting.

[ And Jotaro is warm and solid and maybe a little bit omniscient and he already knows that last one is going to piss him off for the rest of his life but right now it's comforting. More than comforting. Comforting would just tell him he doesn't have to do it. This is telling him he does, but only ever when he's ready. ]

He's good at waiting. He's waited for a century. I'm ready. I want him gone.

We get him in the end. Don't forget. Everything he does...we get him in the end, and no one dies.

[He gives Kakyoin a last, fond squeeze, and isn't altogether sure whose benefit he said that for — Kakyoin's, or his own.

Either way, it doesn't matter. What matters is that this is the last thing standing in their way, and Kakyoin is right. He's ready. They're ready. It's time for Dio Brando to be gone, once and for all, and them all to be able to feel safe again.

Without letting go, he walks the two of them back over to Kakyoin's pod, nudging at him with his hip.]

Here.

[He says, and then moves over to his own, and only hesitates a split-second before climbing inside. There's a warm, orange-yellow Cairo night awaiting for him, ahead. It's time to go meet it again, for the last time.]

IC Inbox | prismatica

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