starmark | IC Inbox | prismatica

you don't win by winning the fight though

it's not real fighting
it's sexy fighting

Oh.

[ The thing about sitting in Jotaro’s lap while that text is that it becomes abundantly clear how many revisions his messages go through. With the exception of that one response in all caps, he’s clearly writing about three times more than actually gets sent.

For example, he’s writing for about two minutes in order to produce a two letter word of a response. ]

...
i can't believe you just typed that long just to say "oh"

you're so cute

[He nuzzles against the frog hoodie, like an asshole.]

i don't actually want you to hurt me
i just

it's like how you hate being treated too gently
when it's rough for me it feels more
...
familiar

I was trying to say it right. It’s important.

[ He’d sulk more, but Jotaro’s good at annoying him and then immediately taking all the heat out of his anger. Fine. He’ll tolerate it this time but the second Jotaro stops keeping him content with affection he’s doomed.

Which probably means he’s safe for a good while yet. ]

I don’t think it’s the same. But I think I understand.

I had assumed that actual fighting was a necessary part. If it isn’t, things become easier.

it's ok
i never say it right
i wish i could but i can't figure out the right words

i guess it's not really so much about the fighting
it's about the losing

i guess it's like
one kind of desperate turns into the other kind of desperate
or something

One of us has to say things right.

You don’t have to explain it. The why of it. You don’t need a reason.

I just don’t think it’s the same. When I don’t like people fussing, it’s because they think I’m weak. And I don’t think.
I don’t think anyone thinks you’re weak.

But I don’t need to know why it is, if you’re not sure. There doesn’t need to be a why in the first place. I just need to know how not to fuck it up.
And how not to fuck you up.

[All of a sudden, it's Jotaro's turn to go without texting for a long time, his thumb hovering uncertainly over the keyboard screen.]

i think i'm weak
sometimes

Oh.

[ Another very long ‘oh’. He leans in closer to Jotaro, until he’s actually cuddling up to him instead of just sitting in his lap. There are a lot of false starts. ‘When’ and ‘why’ start to show up on his screen, only to be deleted. ]

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

hi
you're warm

[chuuuuuuu.]

mostly it's bad
it makes me feel like i have to fight harder
like it's this thing i can't let myself be

but you and adrian
in your own ways you can both sort of
put me into it
press me down into being weak
and hold me there
until i stop fighting because that's just it

and then everything gets kind of small and quiet
and it's nice
i like that
when i'm like that i'm not worried about anything

Frogs are cold blooded. If I’m warm, it’s because of you.

There’s a difference, I think.
They’re different kinds of weak.

One makes things not your problem, and the other means things are your problem but you can’t do anything about them.

Weak and not strong enough.
It doesn’t sound like they’re different, but they are.

which one was i trying to say
weak or not strong enough

you can tell the difference so tell me

Not strong enough is the bad one.

That’s the one where.
The one where everything is still on you, even if you can’t do it.

Weak is.
I don’t like it, but it’s different.
It’s the one where if you can’t do it, nobody will ask you to. Someone else will do it. Someone stronger.

then i don't think it's either of those things
the thing i like, i mean

what's the one where it's
you don't have to
and even if you try to, i'll stop you
because it feels like you have to but you don't
and i know that's how it is even if you don't
so i'll take care of it
and take care of you

what's that one

I’ve only really. Experienced that one once.

I believe you called it ‘fuck off back to sleep’. I don’t remember much more than that. I was.
Extremely well-medicated at the time.
Probably because everyone wanted me to stop telling the hospital staff about time stopping.

But I’ll try.
It’ll be easier to figure it out by doing.

hah
well

that's the one i like
fuck off back to sleep

i want you to make me fuck off back to sleep

By acting a movie villain.
So. Being awful to you, but not in a real way. In a movie way.

I need to know what I can't do. I know you don't like it if you can't move at all. So not that. But. If there's anything else I shouldn't do.

It's fine if you don't know. I wouldn't know.

I just want to do it right.
Make you fuck off back to sleep.
Instead of any of the other things.

not awful, just...

um
hmm
ok i think maybe it's like
there are two parts
the part where i fight and the part where i don't

the fight is when i'm trying not to go the fuck to sleep
but then after it is the part where i go to sleep and i'm yours

like
i know you hate the dog thing but it makes sense as a dog thing
instead of fighting think of it as like
acting out
misbehaving

i want to misbehave at first
and then you make me behave
and then you tell me i'm good

the supervillain thing is just a different way to play the game
if you want to be mean about it or not
but the game is the same either way

You want me to bully you into fucking off back to sleep.

Oh.
I get it now.

Don't look at your phone until I tell you to. I need to get this right, so it's going to be slow and if you only see half of it it's going to be wrong.

You don't need an excuse, you know.
To stop for a while.
That's what this is, isn't it?
Because if you really can't do anything but fuck off back to sleep. Then fucking off back to sleep becomes the optimal strategy.

You're so caught up in doing the right thing for everyone that you can't stop doing the right thing unless someone fucks with the situation in such a way that that the stopping, in itself, is the right thing.
It's kind of funny, really.
I love you. Fuck I love you so much. And I don't think you're fucked up.
Very fucked up, anyway.
I think you're a good person.
And maybe all good people have to be a little bit fucked up or they wouldn't know what a bad person is and how not to be one.
But it is kind of funny.

I want to do it.
I want to mess with you until fucking off back to sleep is the only thing left that you can do.
And when you fuck off back to sleep I want to make it worth it. So you know it was the right thing.
I want to make you feel good. And I want to make you safe. And when you're ready to wake up I want to kiss you awake again and make that worth it, too.

But I don't want that to be the only reason that you can fuck off back to sleep.
I want you to promise me that you'll try to do it just. Because it's what you need to do.
If it doesn't work out it's okay but I want you to keep trying.

[ He waits about ten seconds after he's done typing, then breathes out after what felt like holding his breath the whole time he was writing. ]

Look at it.

[He looks away when he's supposed to, because of course he does. He looks away and he buries his face in Kakyoin's stupid frog hood, and he breathes and he breathes and he listens to the sound of messages whispering in one by one while Kakyoin goes through them and gets them right, line by line.

And finally when he sighs, and he says to look, Jotaro stays quiet and nods a little and lifts his head to see the results of Kakyoin's thoughtful, careful musing.

His eyes track over the words, one by one, and the longer he goes on, the more an inexplicable lump starts to form in his throat.

You don't need an excuse, you know. To stop for a while.
I love you.
I want to make you feel good. And I want to make you safe.
Keep trying.
Keep trying.
Keep trying.

The next breath he draws in, it shakes. His eyes sting with heat. And he winds up texting back, if for no other reason than that he just doesn't trust his voice right now.]

i can't do it by myself
not yet

i need

[The first word he writes is you, which is pretty and romantic, and not the right one. Not this time.

He knows what the right one is.

He plucks it out, letter by letter, only halfway looking at the keys.]

help

I know. Not yet.
You don't have to be able to do it.

I just want you to try.
While we're here. So if we're ever not, maybe that'll be. After 'not yet'.

It can be a trade.
You try to fuck off back to sleep.
If it works I'll be there to handle everything.
And if it doesn't work then I'll make you fuck off back to sleep.
And then I'll be there to handle everything.

ok

[It's his turn, then, to take a while typing. And to forget to tell Kakyoin he's doing it, but — maybe that's okay. Maybe he'll just know. He usually does.]

i love you
so much

it happened once
the fuck off back to sleep
and something happened it was just like
everything got so quiet
i closed my eyes and it was just quiet

before it happened i kept acting up
it was fun to push back
to get in trouble
to make trouble

but then one time i just...didn't
i just didn't fight back
i just didn't fight
i just did what i was told

it felt wrong at first
it felt bad kind of
not bad enough to stop but just
it didn't feel right it didn't feel
right
but then i did what i was told and

he petted me
he said i did good
and it didn't feel wrong anymore
it felt like i did something right
like i was safe
and it didn't hurt
and it was so quiet

i want to feel like that again
not all the time
but i
i want
i want to know i get to feel like that
i get to fuck off back to sleep too
sometimes

i love you

if you think i can do it by myself someday
then i must be able to
so i'll try

You're good at this, you know.

Not at the saying things right part. But at the saying things at all part.
I can't do that. It's. It hurts, saying things that aren't right. So if I can't say something right, I can't say anything at all.

I don't really know anything about any of this.
But I know what fucking off back to sleep feels like.
And I want to make you feel like that.

But I want you to be okay, when I'm not here. And you will be, because Adrian will be there. But that's. Cheating, I suppose. It's not doing it right. Just because I know he won't leave you doesn't mean he's.

It feels fucked up to say he's not a variable anyone but him can control.
Most things sound fucked up if I say them the way they sound in my head.

It shouldn't matter. You shouldn't need to be able to feel safe alone, because we shouldn't leave you alone. But. Just in case.

If you try, I'll let Star pick out my movie villain outfit.
Deal?

deal
it'll be another dress again you know

you looked really pretty in that
not pretty like a girl
but pretty like

like it didn't matter if dresses are for girls or not
it was for you because you were wearing it
and fuck what anybody else thought

like you finally figured out how beautiful you are
and just went for it

Is that how it seemed?
I was.

[ 7FF000 is typing... ]

Scared.
I don't know what I was scared of. But I was scared. I thought I looked ridiculous. I thought I'd done everything wrong. If I hadn't already promised to do something for the day I'd probably

I'm glad that you liked it.
I like it, when you want to look at me.

Maybe that's what I was scared of. That you'd look at me and regret it, and not want to do it again.

do you really think that
it's ok if you do
i just want to know

do you really think i could ever look at you and regret it
is that how it feels

you don't have to explain it
it's ok to just say yes or no
if that's how it is

IC Inbox | prismatica

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