starmark | IC Inbox | rubycity_rp

[That's a little like how Giorno had described it to him. I suppose in that way it's easier for me to say that I love everyone, regardless of gender, girl or boy or inbetween. They like people, Jotaro and Giorno, they choose based on personality, and wouldn't it be easy if it was always so clear-cut?]

So there was no . . .

[He trails off and then shrugs. Distracts himself by reaching back for the ashtray and settling it between them.]

I can't see it like that. I mean, you're not-- I'm not saying it's wrong, I just--

[He wrinkles his nose.]

Giorno told me that too, like it was this big obvious thing, like everybody feels like that.

Mmm. He does that to me sometimes, too. "Why are you like this, you're so ridiculous, it's as easy as this." Not about this specifically, but about...other stuff. You've seen what he wears to sleep in, right? I had a hard time with that. Not because I want to make him feel bad or anything like that, but just...it's like I look at it and I have to work to get it. And he doesn't have to. He gets it without working at it.

[Almost without realizing it, he automatically offers his near hand for the cigarette when Polnareff's done with it, through sheer force of ingrained habit.]

It's okay, you know. Just say whatever you think. Don't worry about making it come out right, just say it. A lot of times it helps more than you think it's going to.

Christ, I nearly fucking-- he opened the door in that damn outfit and we nearly had a fight then and there, because I didn't actually want to see that much of Giorno's leg.

[He'd grown to accept it, yeah-- or at least, the concept of it. Skirts and dresses and high heels are all fine, but could have lived without seeing the guy in lingerie. Polnareff huffs out a little sigh, not truly annoyed-- and it's familiar, to agree on this. To look at Jotaro and say yeah, that did throw me off, without any strings or worries attached. It's familiar, too, to pass the cigarette over, sharing it as if they're on a limit once again.

Maybe that's why he's able to say what he does next. Because this is suddenly familiar, this easy way they go back and forth; because it's just Jotaro, Jotaro his best friend, his savior, his hero, the closest thing he'll ever come to a brother, permanent and irreplaceable.]

I miss Abdul. But I think-- I think it's more than just-- the way you miss him.

[The words come out jerkily, haltingly, utterly uncertain and terrified to be voiced.]

[And this, Jotaro knows, is a moment that could make or break Polnareff. He knows it profoundly, emphatically, in light of who's-his-face with the cheekbones and the manga sensation they'll never write with the girl who's Abdul in everything but gender. This is Polnareff having a hard time and trying his damnedest to attack it head-on anyway; this is why his Stand is the Chariot of the tarot, this determination to hurl himself at obstacles even when he's overtly, noticeably, unmistakably afraid of them.

If he's not careful, he'll ruin that charge and have nothing but a devastating crash on his hands instead.

He's glad that he's the one holding the cigarette at this point, because taking a drag on it himself buys him a few extra seconds that he means to use to search for words, but really just ends up thinking about how great Polnareff is so consistently, so perpetually, all of the time.]

I think you're probably right.

[His voice, he finds, is soft.]

I think when you're having a hard time, you always want the people who matter most to be near you instead of far away. I think...it's when you're having a hard time, that it's sometimes clearest who those people really are.

[There's no sharp shout, no laughter, no smirk. No hidden person suddenly springs from the shadows, shouting ah HA, look what he just admitted, did you hear that? And it's amazing, even with Jotaro dating another man, even with this entire conversation having been nothing but supportive, how much he'd been tensing up, waiting for that to happen.

Because you just don't do that. In the same way men don't put on dresses, they most certainly don't look at their friends in such a way. They don't crave those moments when it's just the two of them alone; they don't feel like they've won the gold when they get their friend to grin, bright and wide, even if it's just for a few seconds. They most certainly don't notice all the things Polnareff had noticed about Abdul, all the little details that weren't platonic, and all the little questions he'd asked himself and never gotten answered.]

Not just matters most.

[A little clarification, but an important one, given their discussions tonight. Abdul is special to Polnareff, just as Kakyoin is special to Jotaro-- but that doesn't mean most important.]

But it's-- different. [And then, with an irritated little exhale:] I'm different.

Okay.

[He does everything he can to keep that word from becoming patronizing or condescending; he holds it steady as best he can, and accompanies it with a nod, pulling it back into the realm of something along the lines of simple tacit acceptance.]

...Here. Take this —

[He offers the cigarette back, then turns his hand palm-up and brings it down to rest on the mattress near Polnareff's in open invitation.]

...Half of you's saying "I shouldn't feel like this", but the other half is saying "but I do". Is that how it is?

[He takes the cigarette first, pushes it between his lips and sucks like it's a lifeline. It's not a good habit for him, but there's only so many ways he can cope, and at least this one isn't half so self-destructive as alcohol.

Polnareff hesitates for a moment, and then reaches down, threading their fingers together.]

Yeah. Kind of. I mean, it's not--

[Not anything new, and he'd bring up Rolf if he'd known Jotaro had known.]

More like I don't want to feel like this. Not ever, and not especially for him.

[At least: not when he's not here.]

...Do you not want to feel like it because it hurts? Or because...it's not "you", or because someone might say something, or...

[He pauses, glancing Polnareff's way, searching his face.]

If it's "not ever", then...you already have some idea of why, right?

[You can't guess? But he's older than Jotaro, so maybe it matters more to him. Maybe those few extra years really hammered home the point that to be different was to be wrong-- and for all he doesn't mind being the center of attention, there's a difference between taking the spotlight and being shoved into it.]

Because Jesus, Jotaro, people don't-- they don't do that. Not normally. Not-- not where and when we're from, it doesn't work like that. You go around saying shit like that and suddenly you're this guy who-- who's off. I go around saying I've wanted to kiss Abdul since China and all of a sudden everything's different, because I'm different.

...I think I can understand that. Maybe not exactly the same way, but.

[A pause.]

One day I had a Stand, and all of a sudden everything was different. I'm not saying they're exactly the same. But I think I understand the kind of feeling you mean.

[Another beat passes, though, and once it's had the chance to, he adds softly.]

So are you and I different now? Because you've said that.

Are we?

[No, not at all, but maybe they are. Maybe somewhere deep inside Jotaro is reevaluating all those flirtatious little comments; maybe he's looking at Polnareff and thinking what's he trying to pull with that?]

I don't think so.

[...]

To tell you the truth, now I'm just thinking about what it's probably like to kiss Abdul. He always smelled like...kind of wood and spice, or something. So maybe like that, I guess.

Christ--

[But it isn't unhappy. Far from it. Leave it to Jotaro to bring him out of his anxiety and terror and grief with just one joke-- or maybe not a joke, actually, given how everyone leans in this house. Polnareff grins, and-- okay, yeah, he can't just throw himself into it headfirst, there's definitely heat on his cheeks and a slight hesitation in his words, but at least he's pleased.

(What it would be like to kiss Abdul, he cannot yet tell Jotaro, is that it would be full of heat. Not just the heat of kissing, no, but he'd brushed up against Abdul enough times to know the other man runs hot. Even in the cold desert nights, his skin was always warm, his touches lingering on Polnareff's skin long after he'd pulled away, and so surely kissing him would be like kissing fire, like--

Christ).]

[Right. Focus.]

I don't know why you're thinking of it at all, he's not gonna want to kiss a kid like you--

[When he's got me, but there's taking steps and taking Steps, even when you're fucking around with someone, even when they know what you are.

(It's sandalwood, for the record. He knows that. It's not important why he knows that, he just does, it's just one of those things he knows, C h r i s t.]

Edited (ok im done editing for real) 2016-06-20 07:18 (UTC)

[There it is. There it is, right there, that smile and that flush, that right there, it's going to be okay. That right there, whatever it is he did, he's done something right. He did good. For a few seconds, everything is right with the world.

He of all people knows how much difference a few seconds can make. It's nice to be able to give them to Polnareff now.]

A kid like me? Who the hell saved your ass, I was old enough then. I don't get any credit for that?

I didn't say you were helpless. But you're still a teenager, and that makes all the difference when you're in your twenties and kissing somebody. At least me, I'm twenty-two-- he's even older, what's he gonna do with somebody who's eighteen?

Bullshit. It's a couple of years, what difference does that make?

[This is a weak argument, he's well aware. But it's an argument that leaves a door wide open for Polnareff to take advantage of it, which is a success in itself.]

[It's all a joke, of course; all within the same vein of the usual fucking around they do. But the difference is, this is fucking around with something that had been terrifying, that Jotaro is doing his damnedest to normalize. Polnareff knows what he's doing, and just--

Thank god for Jotaro Kujo, that's all his life ever really boils down to, and maybe one of these days he'll tell him how much easier life is when he's around.]

Psh-- sorry, who was just asking me about sex? Who was desperate for advice? You couldn't even make it with me, four years between us, never mind someone like Abdul.

[Which says very neatly how highly he thinks of him.]

It's ten thousand years too early for me, huh.

[He quips, choosing the line in particular with deliberate intent.]

Don't make me sound like such an amateur. I'm a fast learner.

[There's a small pang of-- not grief, precisely, but longing, that same awful feeling that he hates. God, but I miss Abdul, but he shoves that away. It's easier to talk about him like this than cry over him.]

All right, you wanna look at it another way--

[And he grips Jotaro's hand, keeping him very firmly in place--]

You start going around kissing Abdul and I'll start going around kissing Kakyoin.

Edited 2016-06-20 08:36 (UTC)

[He's not altogether unsurprised by the fact that for a second, just one, Polnareff's teasing prompts an imperceptible, abrupt flash of bristling in the back of his mind. It's only to be expected, perhaps — what, no, that's mine, mine — but what proves to be optimistic is the subsequent fact that it's a feeling that also doesn't last very long.

And of course, once he gets past that kneejerk flash of possessive jealousy, he ends up thinking about Polnareff kissing Kakyoin, which by extension also leads to just thinking about kissing Kakyoin in general.

His hand is being gripped tight. It takes him a second, but then he grips right back, turning the hold almost into a contest of wills, a not-quite arm wrestle.]

Do it and I'll kick your ass.

[Which, of course, is approximately the sentiment Polnareff seems to be trying to convey in return, so it seems appropriate.]

...You'd think he'd taste like cherries but most of the time he doesn't. Unless he's just been eating them, I mean.

Oh, jeez, Jotaro--

[What had he expected, though? He'd most definitely be talking about Abdul if their positions were reversed; he can't actually blame Jotaro. And, honestly, the guy ought to be commended-- three months here, and he hasn't actually ever cornered Polnareff in order to wax rhapsodic about Kakyoin.]

So what does he taste like, if not cherries?

[He might as well learn.]

...Not really like anything, actually. I mean, mostly it's just...like a guy. It's not like biting into a fruit basket or something.

[He blinks a second, glancing at the ashtray nearby — does he taste like smoke and ash when he's kissed, he wonders abruptly? It's something he's used to personally, of course, but he smokes somewhat on the regular so of course he is. Should he start carrying mints? What if kissing him is disgusting?

The sudden horror of this notion would keep him up all night, even if he weren't planning to be up all night with Polnareff already.]

Mostly just like guy. Sometimes if he smells good that'll kind of mix in with it too. If he's got chapstick on then it's a little sticky. Lipstick makes everything taste weird, though.

[!!!!

Honestly, that's what his face goes through. You can practically see the little exclamation points appear above his head, loud and surprised, and it takes just about everything he has not to literally shout.

Instead, carefully, he pulls his hand back from Jotaro's. Finally takes his cigarette and ashes it, offers it to Jotaro. And then, his voice betraying none of his excitement or (fond) amusement:]

I know that. Why do you know that?

What? Am I not supposed to know that?

[He accepts the cigarette, and the natural conclusion he draws is, perhaps unsurprisingly, what he would imagine to be the standard one. Girls wear lipstick, Polnareff kisses girls, so he knows what lipstick tastes like because it's gross. He's surprised because he doesn't really think of Jotaro kissing anybody, save maybe one guy, neither of whom wear lipstick. He's impressed and astonished at this apparent girl-kissing prowess.

Except.

...Except that then it slowly starts to nag at him that maybe that's not what Polnareff is saying, and maybe the piqued interest isn't about kissing girls, but about something else.

Maybe —

Maybe Polnareff's expression just went through all those eager internal gymnastics because all of a sudden something he thought was different...turned out to not make anything different, again, after all.]

...

[Well. One way to find out.]

I don't get how gir—

[A pause. For a second he can practically feel the ghost of Giorno's scorn burning holes through him.]

...people, how they deal with having stuff like that all over their mouth all day long.

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