starmark | IC Inbox | prismatica

The first time I tried to do your side, I didn't like it.

[That makes him stop a second and think about it, though, before finally he just sort of laughs, low and rumbling. Kakyoin is touching the collar and that feels...

He didn't even know how it feels. Just that it's better than when Kakyoin avoids it. It's better when it doesn't feel like another of those terrible Jotaro things that makes Kakyoin recoil behind a blank smile and then go run and throw up from it.]

Though, the first time I tried my side I didn't really like it, either.

[He shrugs with a tilt of his head, his hair cascading over his eyes.]

I felt stupid. And guilty. And afraid. It made me feel things that were different and things I thought I wasn't supposed to. But there was a reason I didn't stop, and it was because I knew that whatever else happened, I was safe. Nothing...was going to happen, and I could make it stop whenever I wanted.

The first time I did your side, I felt like a bully. It wasn't even that I was afraid of hurting him or anything, I just...I didn't like what it made me feel.

[He sighs a little.]

But I like that when we do that, I'm everything to him. That part feels good. And I like that I'm taking care of him, even if it doesn't look that way on the outside. And I like how he gets so clingy when we're done, and looks at me like...like, probably, I was looking at you. Before.

I like it when you're everything to me, Nori. I know when you do it you're taking care of me. You're doing it with me, not just to me, y'know? We're both in it together.

Edited 2021-03-11 14:39 (UTC)

I just don't- I just don't like the idea of you being something different to me. The same way I don't like that Adrian thinks he's different. As long as you don't make me deal with that part- it's just a stupid necklace.

[ Maybe it's weird, that the kinky sex thing and the Adrian thinking of himself as inhuman thing are one and the same to him. But they are. Things that make people not like him. He keeps his fingers against the stupid necklace.

It's strange to hear that Jotaro had ever been uncomfortable with this, when he's been his guide through it. The same way it's weird to know that there was ever a time that he didn't have Star. ]

You didn't like that I was on the floor.

[ He says it after a moment, with the sort of throughful tone that makes it clear it's not in reference to him sitting on the floor just now. But to a time in another world. The second when he opened his eyes and knew that he loved Jotaro Kujo. He didn't like that he was on the floor, except for the fact that he was there because Jotaro could save him. He didn't like the way that pushing Adrian around made him feel, until he realised that pushing Adrian around was entirely to make him happy. That's Jotaro's version of it, isn't it? He doesn't like making people into something different from him. Jotaro doesn't like people being on the floor.

He smiles. Teasing. ]

Are you going to be clingy?

I didn't like that you were on the floor.

[He echoes the phrase with almost the same inflection as Kakyoin's, call and response made concrete by their mutual agreement. That's really it, isn't it? It all always goes back to that. Why he likes being under his boyfriends when they sleep. Why it's fine when he's in the machine but less so when he's the one watching. Why he likes his collar but feels no desire whatsoever to put one on Kakyoin.

And Kakyoin doesn't like...difference. Othering. Being one thing while his boyfriends are another. Kakyoin wants things to be neat and to belong. It's no real surprise why he feels that way, is it?]

The hell do you think I was doing when Star made you pet me? Yare yare, trying to make me drink water when I couldn't stand to go another second without you touching me.

[ He puffs his cheeks out in (mostly) mock indignation, and manages to hold it for a few seconds before he laughs. Laughs and pulls Jotaro's had forward, not to kiss him but to just squash their faces together. Make it so they're close. Touching, in a way that seems not to be too much. ]

If you hadn't drunk the water first, I'd have had to stop touching you after I started. Wouldn't that be worse?

[ Then, softer, quieter. As if it's less of an admission of a mistake if he doesn't say it very loudly. ]

I'll let Hierophant deal with the water, next time. I thought it'd be weird, if he was reaching out of your mouth to hold the glass.

[ That's the point at which it would become weird. ]

That would've been weird. Is he still inside me?

[Speaking of things uttered completely matter-of-factly that really should be treated as a lot weirder than they are. If anything, Jotaro sounds a little dreamy about it, though; it's always reassuring when Hierophant is inside him, hiding and measuring and keeping him safe while his own body shelters him in return.

...

Also, knowing that at any moment Hierophant could twitch any bundle of nerves he wanted and play Jotaro's body like a finely-tuned violin. There's that too.]

You have to —

[He swallows, though, because this is another of those things that he's learned that maybe Kakyoin doesn't know, that he wants him to know because they might do this again and oh, hell, they might do this again —]

It's not just...wanting. When you're coming back up. It's easy to get kind of fucked up, if someone isn't...touching you. Um. I don't think I'm explaining this right.

Star made you do it because I needed it. Not just wanted it. It would've...I dunno. It would've gone bad if you hadn't.

Yeah. He doesn't want to come out.

[ Why would he? It's safe. Warm and dark and surrounded at every side by something he loves. The perfect hiding place. More than that. The perfect home.

Maybe it's a little weird.

and then Jotaro starts to explain, and- oh. ]

Oh. I didn't- I'm sorry. [ He doesn't often apologise. Really apologise, not just say 'I apologise' and move on. But he purses his lips and nods and considers how he'd been so concerned about hurting Jotaro with things he chose not to do, and yet he almost did fuck him up by doing something that he thought was best.

He doesn't beat himself up over it too much. He wants to, but he can't. If he does, Jotaro won't tell him next time he fucks up. He just smiles. Cranes his neck to kiss Jotaro's forehead in apology. ] -I'll do better, next time. So long as you drink the water once you're ready, I'll do better.

Good. I don't want him to, either.

[Hierophant inside him. Following his heartbeat. And perhaps more importantly at a time like this, tracking his own physiological responses so that Kakyoin knows with absolute certainty how he's feeling, how this conversation is or isn't affecting him. That his heart rate hasn't sped up. That there's no adrenaline, no nerves firing where they shouldn't be. No uptick in his blood pressure. It's all just normal, and he's all just fine.

And that he flutters a little, inside, when he takes in the sight of Kakyoin's smile. That it increases when his kiss touches his forehead.]

It's okay. I didn't know, either. I mean — the first time. That's why Star helped, I would've told you myself, but...you know.

A little distracted?

[ He teases, and- maybe it’ll be okay, to stroke a hand down Jotaro’s arm until he reaches his and and lace their fingers together, even if it means the scratchy fabric of his jacket against the bare skin of Jotaro’s arm. ]

He’d still stop me, right? [ Star? Adrian? Either. ] if I did go too far, or do something wrong. If Hierophant didn’t notice, somehow. They wouldn’t let me fuck up so badly that it’d hurt you, right?

Wasn't — ready to talk yet, I guess. To try to put them together.

[He's pleased to discover that the brush of sleeve on his skin is less abrasive than it was before. Still rough, still more noticeable than it might've been otherwise. But it doesn't make him want to cringe or thrash or escape. It's just there, and then their fingers are entwined, and he's sighing again as yet another safety net weaves snugly into place around him.]

Star would never let you fuck me up.

[It's an interesting choice of words, that. He doesn't say never let you hurt me. Because — because — there's an important nuance, isn't there, in what Kakyoin was getting at before. In craving the knowledge of how far he could go.

There's overlap in the Venn diagram of "hurt" and "what he can take". His limit creeps beyond the boundary of hurt. So no, it's not really whether Star would let Kakyoin hurt him, is it? Really it's about whether he'd let that limit be disregarded.]

I can tell you exactly what Star would've done, if you'd put the thing as high as it could go and just left me.

[He tilts his chin, dragging his tongue along Kakyoin's lower lip in an unmistakably obscene fashion.]

He would've waited until I couldn't take it, and then he would've stopped time. If I'd really needed it to stop, everything would've stopped. He doesn't need me to tell him to do it. He'd have done it on his own.

I’m glad. I like- It doesn’t scare me, if I know he’ll stop me. I don’t mind if I’m fucked up. I just don’t want to be fucked up in a way that you wouldn’t want.

[ He’d say more, but he’s busy catching Jotaro’s tongue between his own lips. Sucking at it before letting it escape him for long enough to kiss delicately against its surface. It’s nice, this part, even without the release of the part before it. Just- being close to Jotaro. Feeling his heartbeat, returning it through Hierophant. Doing stupid shit with their mouths.

He looks down at his arm, smiling a little apologetically. ]

I’d have to let go of you, to get changed.

[ He could just take off his jacket. But he’d still have to let go. And he’d be cold, which is a problem with no cuddling-based solutions. ]

Don't. It's okay. I don't want you to.

[As if for emphasis, he even manages to move a little, wriggling his other arm up between them and curling his fingers into Kakyoin's shirt. He'll be fine, with time. He's all right. Soft is better, still, but rough isn't unbearable the way it'd been when he'd just come out of the machine.]

I want something else. Something you can't go away for.

If I’d known, I’d have worn-

[ He wouldn’t have been wearing it back from class, but the thought still comes to him unbidden. If the silk of the dress would be more comfortable. If it would be pleasant, even. Something Jotaro would want to touch. Cool and soft against his oversensitive, too-hot skin. ]

-something else.

[ It’s both an end to the sentence and an indication that Jotaro should continue, tell him all about this something else. ]

...Oh.

[He would've worn something else. Would've worn something for him, something special just for him, just to feel good holding him when he was worn out and overstimulated — and what a mental image that is, Kakyoin choosing clothes just because they're going to be doing this, maybe dressing himself while Jotaro is in the other room strung out and floating along on bliss, Kakyoin making himself a feast for all his senses so that he can indulge when he's done...

A soft noise escapes him; he doesn't even know what he's picturing, really, but the thought of it is intoxicating. The thought of Kakyoin wearing something to be soft for him, to hold him immediately instead of transferring him onto the blanket and stroking so tentatively to keep him grounded — oh, it's enough to make his breath catch, all right.]

Fuck.

[He swallows hard, his something else suddenly all the more urgent in the face of these new tantalizing thoughts.]

You didn't get off. Before.

[ In a week or so, he'll bring Jotaro a selection of swatches of fabric and demand that he pick one out, refusing to give him any context at all outside of this moment. Try to find a balance between what feels best against oversensitive skin and what is aesthetically pleasing, as if Jotaro's going to even look at what he's wearing in these moments. His first instinct is some sort of nightclothes, perhaps one of the long shirts that Adrian wears to bed, but that would rather ruin the illusion of ignoring Jotaro in favour of his work. Even for sexy pretend purposes, he can't quite get his head around the thought of doing work in his pajamas.

For now, he just kisses him again. Because he wants to. Because it's a good way to avoid having to answer while his brain catches up with that Jotaro just said. ]

Is that important? [ He asks eventually, and it's a genuine question. He doesn't know. He doesn't know if that's supposed to be a part of this, and he doesn't really know if it's that important to him. It would be nice, certainly. It's going to have to happen at some point before he's ever going to be capable of thinking clearly again. But he might have to let go. He'd certainly have to shuffle clothes around. It sounds nice. It just doesn't seem worth letting go. ]

I don't like it when I'm the only one.

[There's something in his inflection this time, when he says don't like it, that makes the intent behind the phrase noticeably different than it's been at other times. This isn't a pressing, urgent need for Jotaro's comfort. This isn't a hard limit or a preference on need of immediate correction. This isn't — part of the game, even, but rather just a more general remark, a little huffy and a little vulnerable both.

Because it'd felt good, hadn't it, to wrap his mouth around something even as he'd had pleasure overwhelming him more and more with every passing moment? And he'd wanted, instinctively, to share. To please. To give back, somehow, in whatever little way he could.

Maybe that's not how it is for everyone who fucks around like this. Maybe it's just him. But that's okay, isn't it? It's okay to know what he likes, so long as everyone involved is okay with it too.]

Can I? I want to.

[He thinks about it a minute, reflective.]

I know I don't have, uh, the dragon voice or anything right now, but...maybe I can still talk you up into it anyway?

I'll have to let go. Just for a moment. To- you know.

[ It's not like he isn't going to have to wash these clothes anyway. But there's a difference. A material difference, at least to him, between them needing to be washed as a result of this, as a whole, and as a result of him. They all have their limits in places that look strange from the outside looking in, don't they? ]

Is that okay? I want to, but- it can wait, until that's okay, if you need.

Um.

[Is it okay? It feels as though it might be. But maybe there's no way to be sure until it happens, and by then it'll be too late, so...

Hm.]

Have — tie me up with Hierophant. Just while you're gone. It'll be like being in the machine again, just...not as intense. But it'll feel familiar, so I'll stay calm.

[He hesitates. Like the collar, Kakyoin has certain opinions about tying him up with Hierophant, he knows.]

I just need him on the outside. So I can see him. Okay? I'll be fine then. And you can do whatever you need to. I'll drink more water, even. Please?

Okay. But you have to have another glass of water. And eat something, in a little while.

[ He's finding he enjoys this. The negotiation. If you'd asked him a little while ago, he'd have thought of the concept as more antagonistic than he'd like. Thought of it as something that one had to win, where the aim was to wring out from the other person something they had no desire to give.

This isn't that. This is each of them having a thing they want, and finding a way to cooperate to achieve both. One of them getting everything and giving nothing wouldn't be winning for anyone. If anything, it would be the only possible way to fail. ]

It doesn't have to be a full meal. Just- I don't know. Something.

[ He doesn't need to let go of Jotaro's hand and trail a finger over his wrist, guiding Hierophant though his body and out through the pulse point to coil around it. Except that he does. It's not necessary to tell Hierophant what to do, but it's necessary nonetheless. Hierophant snakes up Jotaro's arm, up to his shoulder. Loops itself carefully around the collar when it finds it, slipping under and around it instead of passing through the place where something should be connected. ]

Like this?

Fruit.

[Another thing he's able to supply relatively easily, slotting in experience to color the lines and shapes that Kakyoin sketches out with his words. He likes that part, too — bites of fruit, bits of bread, offered up to him by nimble fingers in-between sips of water. It's so hard sometimes to accept attention and doting any other way, but like this it's for his own good, and easier to embrace.]

Do my legs too.

[That bit, he whispers. It's not demanding, it's not aroused. It's a plea, faint and breathless.]

Just — that. More of that. Like that, but all over.

Yeah, okay.

[ Slowly, the tendrils loop around the hole of his body. Losely, at first, ribbons draped over him the way that they wrap around Adrian's shoulders to rest on him while he paints. It's careful, the way they draw tighter and tighter as it continues to move. For the most part the tendrils are just crawling up his limbs like ivy rather than immobilising them. It's just a few loops binding his legs together. Another few binding his wrists behind his back. Probably breakable without more than discomfort, if Jotaro really chose to, even without Star's aid. But enough to be struggled against and to resist.

His fingers are still against Jotaro's wrist. His hand on his face. ]

I'm not going to let go until you say it's enough.

[It shouldn't be reassuring. Being tied up shouldn't be something that's reassuring, and yet Hierophant's tendrils are a sensation all their own, slick and pliable where they glide over his skin in a way that nothing else could ever be. And for all that he's tired and recuperating, there's still the lingering remnants of something in Jotaro that respond when his limbs are drawn together and held in a certain way, not against his will but against his instinct.

He visibly relaxes. His eyelids droop; a full-chest sigh escapes his lips and makes him sag with it. He could escape these bonds, but he isn't going to. He could struggle against them, but he doesn't need to. He's safe, and snug, and tethered. It would be utterly impossible for him to even begin to entertain the notion that he's been left alone, like this.

He sighs again, breathy and blissful.]

It's good.

[Kakyoin hasn't let go of him. Kakyoin won't let him go until he's sure he's all right, and that thought warms him from the inside out, makes his heart skip a beat.]

Good. Whatever you need to do. I'll be okay like this.

[ The machine didn't turn off immediately, and he doesn't fully understand why but he's starting to get it. A sudden loss of contact is bad. Even if it's contact that's about to become painful, losing it all at once is worse than the more gradual alternative. And so he doesn't break contact immediately. It's a slow process, careful, because he doesn't know how to do it and he trusts Star to materialise and shove him into Jotaro if he happens to fuck up but he'd rather not fuck up in the first place.

His fingers trail over Jotaro's wrist, down his palm, along his fingers until they reach the very tips of them. And then they linger. For a few seconds, they stay there before he pulls them away and breaks contact. The other hand moves then. Up from Jotaro's cheek. Over the side of his face, into his hair and then through it and away. Hierophant strokes a tendril over his back.

He refills the water glass first, bringing it back along with a bowl of the only fruit that really counts, and undresses himself carefully. It's habit rather than teasing that leads to him folding his trousers after he's removed them. It's a lot more comfortable without them. Without his shirt and jacket.

He still feels exposed like this. Vulnerable. Even now. But it's worth it. If it makes it easier for Jotaro to let him hold him. Maybe getting off will seem more urgent than a very distant second once it ceases to be theoretical and starts to become a certainty.

He sits down before he returns to Jotaro proper, resting his hand on his leg and sliding it inward, carefully, fingers pressing into his inner thigh. ]

Is this okay? Here?

[Kakyoin touches him like he's exquisite. Priceless. And the nice thing about being wrapped up like this is that on some level, he's already in the mindset of being put on display, so self-consciousness never really becomes a factor despite still being as bare as the day he was born. As each of Kakyoin's touches fades, Jotaro finds he seems to feel them all the more acutely, the echoes of contact lingering well afterward, like a pleasant memory to hold on to and enjoy.]

You're perfect.

[It's funny. He's the one tied up, but it's Kakyoin who needs the reassurance of praise right now, moreso than he does himself.

When the contact finally fully breaks, he does feel it like a pang in his chest. But he's not alone and he's not abandoned; Hierophant is exerting just the right amount of pressure around him, never so tight that he's pinned or abraded, but secure enough that if he needs the reassurance of feeling him, all he has to do is writhe and the comfortable resistance will be there.

And it's nice. Nice to just relax and feel good. Nice to think about Kakyoin coming back, and anticipate what will unfold when he gets there. There's nothing wrong with a little anticipation, so long as he's secure in the absence. It's fine to take a little breather and just linger in silence while he waits, knowing Hierophant is right there.

But he does open his eyes halfway to watch when Kakyoin comes back and starts undressing, and he rouses from his pleasant stupor long enough to lick his lips and pucker them into a wolf whistle once Kakyoin has rid himself of his clothes. And then, blessedly, deliciously, fingers glide over his skin again and run to the inside of his thigh, and when he shivers there's no mistaking that it's from pleasure and pleasure alone.]

Hi. Wasn't enough just to look at me, huh...

[That's not a yes, so he makes sure to nod a little once he's done, faintly encouraging.]

[ He splutters with indignation when Jotaro wolf whistles, and Hierophant swats him lightly. Rude.

Rude but easily forgiven. So easily forgiven when Jotaro looks like this, all the hard edges gone, just soft and loving and loved and aware of how loved he is. Hierophant tightens around Jotaro's legs, making his thighgs tighten around his hand, and he slides it up and down between them. Lets the sweat and the leftover of whatever Adrian used to prepare him for the machine deal with the worst of the friction, so his hand can glide over the skin without being too much. It was an offhand consideration, before. Something he'd seen in some magazine or another. The muscle of Jotaro's legs is harder than the girl's thighs in the magazine had looked. That makes him apprehensive.

But the way Jotaro shivers when he touches him is mesmerising. He's not sure. At the very least he should keep doing this, the touching part. ]

Did you want me to just look?

[ He doesn't bring his hand up as high as he could, still being careful, but he does squeeze Jotaro's thigh as he asks that. ]

I can just look, if you want me to.

[He laughs, delighted with Kakyoin's indignation; it turns into a gasp when Hierophant exacts his punishment for the transgression, and he can't help but rub his cheek against the blanket beneath him, so content with his circumstances even if Kakyoin's hands aren't actively on him at the moment.

And then, suddenly, they are. It's between his legs, rubbing, and the smooth slide is so suggestive of what he's thinking that Jotaro winds up biting his lip, already preoccupied with thinking about it. What a thought it is, generous in the consideration it has for how sore he is already, and just a little bit kinky in the necessities of the execution.

He swallows.]

No. Don't just look.

[Hierophant's already doing most of the work for him, but he tenses his thighs a little, adding a little squeeze to Kakyoin's hand where it's fitted snugly between them.]

Do that thing. Where you — you talk about me. You think out loud what you want to do. It turns you on, right? To talk about it?

IC Inbox | prismatica

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject