starmark | IC Inbox | prismatica

Ruining my fun. Terrible.

I can't imagine. Do you want to talk about it?

I wouldn't mind.
I'd also like to tell you about Sypha, the magician.

maybe you shouldn't have so much fun being a bastard then

apparently i have an uncle who's younger than me and a daughter who's older than me
plus my grandpa's here and about my age and fucking people who aren't my grandma i think
so if one day we all just suddenly don't exist anymore it's jiji's fault

ok
um

i want
to tell you about the guy you remind me of too
but like this
in text
not in person

I'm just following your example.

That
is quite the family reunion.
Time displacement. Interesting. Let's hope your grandfather isn't an idiot.

I would like to learn about this person at your leisure.

so what you're saying is
i'm doomed

well it was nice existing while it lasted

i just

i feel like if i try to talk about him out loud i'll fuck it up
i won't get the words right
at least like this i can look at them and fix them if they're wrong

that's the only reason

It's all right. I understand.
Words don't always come easily for you, and this person obviously means much if you're trying to get it right.
Take your time.

i told you a little about kakyoin before
when we were on the roof, when you told me about the worst night of your life
i said he was smart
he was so smart and i wasn't there

the vampire that was killing my mom
his stand did the same thing mine does, just better
being a vampire meant he could hold it longer
and he kept it a secret
we didn't know what we were going up against
and i didn't know i could...do it, too

kakyoin figured it out
jiji said the last thing he did before he died was tell him
he was dying and the last thing he was thinking of was trying to help us

i wouldn't be alive if he hadn't done that
i wouldn't have known what it did
i wouldn't have been ready to try to do it too
it's not just that i didn't save him
it's that i have a life right now because kakyoin bought it for me

but he was like you
he knew all the stupid local customs of everywhere we went
he would show them off and try to impress me i think

he spent his whole life feeling different because he had a stand and no one could see it
and i guess he decided that if they couldn't see it then they'd never know all of him
only part of him

he used to sunbathe in his school uniform
his favorite food was cherries and he'd eat them in the most fucked up way
i liked to talk to him
he never made me feel anxious about fucking something up

i made a little
it's not even a gravestone exactly
it's almost like a shrine i guess and that sounds so weird but
i try to
make myself talk to him

he can't hear me
i'm on some fucking planet in the middle of outer space
and he's dead
i know he can't hear me

he's so much fucking harder to talk to when he's dead

but i don't say i'm sorry
it feels like if i start saying i'm sorry i'll never stop

so i say things like
hey kakyoin
remember that time in the desert
remember the first time i saw the real you fight
remember the time you kicked me down the outdoor stairs and then gave me a handkerchief with a death threat in it
you're such a nerd, kakyoin

he was here before me, my friend says
he had a room here and he was alive and it still smells like him
but then he disappeared so i missed him again
i wasn't there again

maybe he's avoiding me

i just typed a lot
i'm not sure if any of that was what you wanted to hear

You needed to tell someone.
It's okay, Jotaro.
I'm honored that you would tell me about him, and that I remind you of him.
Though I definitely eat cherries the normal way.

Jotaro.

Thank you for telling me. Even when it's difficult.

Would it... hurt you, if I went to sleep?

[Exactly as he'd suggested, where he'd been verbose and even rambling with the benefit of text, when the conversation switches over to audio things abruptly go almost unsettlingly silent. The feed is on, the channel open, but the only sounds coming through are the white noise of the apartment in the background, and the faint sound of his breathing, and the beating of his heart.

It takes a long time. It's obvious he's deep in his own head, thinking and stringing sentences together and testing them to destruction before they ever get close to his tongue.

But finally, he draws a breath.]

"Going to sleep" is just sugarcoating what you're really going to do. Going to sleep just means being alone and waiting to die.

It's none of my business. You'll do what you think is right.

But my life will be worse with no Alucard banging on my door asking if I know what ice cream is. Or posting stupid pictures of me on the internet. Or diagnosing me with bastarditis.

You told me once that no one would miss you and you're wrong.

[Honestly, he expected a response in text, but the audio... means a lot. Alucard is quiet for a moment, and although Jotaro can't see it, he's clutching at his own chest where his scar is.]

I...

[Again, Jotaro can't see it, but feels a few tears roll down his face.]

I'll stay awake for now.

You might like it. If you try it.

[He's half-mumbling, every word hushed, and he's cradling the communicator like it's something fragile, feeling all the while like he's getting this wildly wrong but left with nothing to do but forge on anyway.]

I'll help you. I bet I can think of a lot of things you've never seen.

...I never answered you earlier. And you were wrong about that too. About how I'm "the closest thing to" a friend.

You should've just said that we're friends. Then you would have been right.

[There's a soft shudder.]

Okay.

Thank you.

...I want to watch you eat ice cream.

I'll take you to this place, they've got forty-one different flavors.

[He laughs a little.]

That would be nice.

IC Inbox | prismatica

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