starmark | IC Inbox | rubycity_rp

...okay first off i wasn't thinking about you or anything

but

um

i'm glad that star's with you because it's not like he doesn't already know who you are and he's good at keeping things safe so hopefully he's doing that

i'm okay and i'm not just saying that

i mean i'm really okay, i've been up here a while and the truth is seeing how kakyoin uses hierophant actually really helped a lot with figuring this thing out because a lot of what it does is kind of the same as hierophant? like how it acts, with the...vines

and everything

i don't know if this is something you want to hear but i figured out what it does

or i mean what it would do if you used it to attack somebody

...

everybody says that stands say something about their user and that's why it was so hard for me to get used to star, because of things i knew about him and what i thought that meant about me

but the thing is i think i understand you better because of this stand and oh wait

you wanted to ask me something

sorry i got off-track go ahead

Oh, wow. That's a lot to take in, haha!

[She writes, and means what the fuck.]

Well, I'm really glad to hear you really are alright, and it's not scaring you or anything. Noriaki told me it was working like a normal one, so that's good.

But, um.

Yeah, I don't know if I want to know what it does, at least not yet, or right now. It is kind of scary to think about, it doing something and what that might say about me. I mean, I know you wouldn't tell me if it was something really bad! But, still... I'm not sure I'm quite ready for that.

But anyway, I was just wondering if there was some way I can tell Star not to stop time because that was a little weird.

wait he did what

Stopped time?

That's a thing he can do, right?

WHY DID HE STOP TIME FOR YOU

did you tell him to or did he do it on his own

I didn't know he could do it until after he'd already done it!!

It started raining while I was walking home so I started running but I must have hit a bad cobblestone because I tripped and I guess maybe he wanted to catch me to stop me from falling but I haven't really been letting him do anything so he did that instead.

I don't think it really worked the way either of us wanted it to.

Edited (oops html) 2017-05-01 20:51 (UTC)

...oh

yeah that

...

back when i used to have nightmares more often i'd sometimes wake up and star would have stopped time

it's because of that feeling of "stop"

something bad's about to happen and something in your instincts goes "wait stop"

that's enough of a command for star to listen to

Oh.

So it really is just instinct, huh. Like throwing your hands out to catch yourself when you fall. I guess that means I can't really tell him not to do it if I'm not thinking, "Hey, don't do that!" when it happens.

It doesn't hurt you when he does it, right?

...i mean, yes and no

he doesn't do it EVERY time something startles me or i have that reflex or whatever

you're right that it's a reflex but you said you haven't really been letting him do anything, right

...

star's job is to protect his user

and not just that but, he doesn't like it when his user gets hurt because his user is more important than anything else

so right now there's no one more important to him than you

and if you're not letting him help you then he's got to sit back and watch while stuff happens to you that maybe he could've prevented, and he doesn't like that

so probably he's getting antsy

...

i mean maybe under normal circumstances he wouldn't have stopped time when he did but because he's getting agitated that's why he decided to do it

...

...

it does, though

hurt

it's like a punch to the chest

Yeah, Noriaki told me I probably shouldn't be trying to repress him or anything, but I'm... kind of scared. I don't know if he'll act the same way for me as he does for you if I let him out, or if... he'll try to take over, or something. I mean he hasn't done anything really bad yet, so that means it's probably okay somehow, but... still.

I can tell he doesn't like it, though. It's really weird, feeling him there in the back of my head. If he doesn't like me very much after this, that's probably fair. If he can even remember it, anyway. Maybe he will if you read it, so...

Sorry, Star.

... I was worried it did.

I felt it too, like all the wind got knocked out of me once things started moving again. I feel like I should be telling you not to do it if it hurts you, but it's your power, and you know your limits with it better than I do. So I'll just ask you to tell me you'll be careful with it instead, okay?

...you could let him out near kakyoin

if something happens with star there's nobody in the world who's better with stands than kakyoin

and i don't think star would ever hurt him, no matter who his user is

wait

so you saw what it looks like when time is stopped

I don't know, he's been acting pretty nervous around me since this whole thing started. He'll say it's nothing and he's fine if I ask him about it, but I still don't want to give him a reason to be afraid of me.

But, I think so? I mean, I didn't know that's what was happening when it happened, it kind of felt like the world just sort of broke for a second. But everything was frozen, even the rain was just kind of hanging there, and it got really, really, really quiet.

And no one else can see it, right?

it wouldn't be you he's afraid of anyway

yeah

it's always that quiet

everything is just frozen and still and quiet

no one knows you're there

no one could get to you to help you

dio used to talk to me when time was stopped

[How? she almost types in immediate, confounding horror, that final statement seemingly contradicting everything she thinks she knows about what's going on. But as her finger hovers over the send button, the puzzle she has only the edges to starts filling itself in, disparate pieces she once thought to be completely separate revealing themselves to be part of the same whole.

"Everybody says that stands say something about their user and that's why it was so hard for me to get used to Star, because of things I knew about him and what I thought that meant about me."

"All I saw was you tripping and then instantly on the ground. The rest--everything being frozen, that's something I don't have the ability to witness for myself."

"No one could get to you to help you."

"It wouldn't be you he's afraid of anyway."

Oh, fuck.]

That's really messed up.

[Is the first response that comes, and it's a hell of an understatement, and she almost follows it up with an I'm sorry but thinks better of it.]

It was scary enough for me with just how lonely and silent everything was. I can't even imagine what that must have been like. How in love with the sound of your own voice do you even have to be to do that kind of thing...

... Does it scare you when Star does it now?

no

a long time ago i had to decide something about what star could do, and what i thought it said about me

...your stand was a parasite that hurt you, that ate you alive

i've known since i got here that my stand, my soul, this part of me, is the same power that kills people, that hurt my friends

and it

to beat dio i had to be like dio

that's what always scared me

to beat him i had to be like him, a part of me had to be like him, star platinum and the world are twin stands and that means there's some part of us that's the same

and so i had to decide if i was going to try to lock that part of me away forever and smother it, or if i was going to...i don't know, use it

what scares me is that there's no one who could stop ME

i know how he used it to hurt people

i could do what he did, i could hurt people that same way and the only thing that's stopping me from doing it is me because there's no one else who can stop me

and there's no one else who can understand

he never knew how much i could move in stopped time and it was the only advantage i had so i had to wait for my chance

but he realized he didn't have to put himself at risk if he just never got close to me

so he threw knives at me and they just stopped in the air a few feet from me, just waiting until time would start again, and he asked me if i was afraid

there's no one else in the world who can understand that feeling

when i say that star would never let anything hurt me

that it's his job to protect his user, that there's nothing more important than that

star was the only one with me when everything else was frozen

star did everything he could do to make sure i survived

so when i say that star platinum will never let anything hurt his user, that's what i mean

i mean that the first time i stopped time the only "command" i gave him was "help me star" and he did

[Her heart feels solidly lodged in her throat as she reads, the urge to screw her eyes shut and turn away from the things she doesn't want to know warring with the need to understand and ease her son's pain. He says there's no one who can understand, but she tries anyway (she has to, doesn't she? she's his mother, and he went through all this for her), she pictures that rainy street outside and imagines the frozen water droplets having glistening metal edges, and she can imagine maybe a fraction of what Star felt too, because she feels him buzzing anxiously underneath her skin with the need to make her distress stop--

... Ah. Yeah, maybe she should be trying to do that instead. Just stop - and not make all the world stop with her - and try not to let guilt and good intentions tangle her up so tightly she can barely breathe. Let's maybe give that a try.

So what this all amounts to on Jotaro's end is a long pause of figurative silence, in which his mother rapidly winds herself up and then promptly tries to wind herself down, her actual success in the latter being debatable, but at least she can manage to type without her fingers trembling too much.]

It must be so hard and lonely. I wish you didn't have to feel like that's your responsibility. I wish you didn't have to feel any of that at all.

But... I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit, Jotaro. I understand it's scary thinking of all the things you could do, but I don't think you ever would. You're not someone who would ever hurt an innocent person intentionally.

I actually got really upset when Noriaki told me you were going to stay away from us because of my Stand. Because it made me remember how you locked yourself away when Star first appeared, and that made me mad. And I still don't like it, honestly, but... my point is, no matter what kind of power you have, your first thought is always about keeping people safe. And that hasn't changed, even after everything.

Maybe... some part of you is like Dio, and maybe some part of me is... a burden to the people I want to protect most.

But

[...]

Maybe we should be giving the parts that aren't some weight, too.

That's want I want to think, anyway.

...

i think maybe...you're the only one who can decide what that part of you means

it took me a long time to figure out how i would know that i wasn't like dio, how i would KNOW that i was different

i think maybe that's what you need to do about feeling like a burden

because people can tell you and tell you and tell you that you're not but if you can't believe it then it doesn't really matter how much they say it

i think you need to figure out how to believe that you're not

...

and i hope that when you do you'll tell me

so i can make sure to make it easier to believe that however i can

[... Heh. He loves her.]

Maybe... you could tell me what it is you think you understand about me better from having my Stand?

I don't know if I want to know what it does, but if you can somehow separate it out, I think that would be okay.

[Oh. Well. He's quiet for a long moment, then, trying to figure out how to put his feelings into words.]

i think that this is the kind of stand that you would never use either way

i mean it goes without saying, i told you before that you could use this to attack somebody, that's not a surprise

but the thing is you wouldn't

it's

...

you're the kind of person who tries to shield other people by taking things on yourself

before i knew what star was, he kept getting out and hurting people and it bothered me because i was using him without realizing it, he was trying to do what i wanted him to do without either of us knowing what that was

but if that had happened with you and your stand, someone might've really gotten hurt, too

so maybe it's almost like you ordered it to attack yourself instead of anyone else

i don't know if that's true or not either way but i think that's the kind of person you are

but if you think about it that's also you protecting people from a part of you that scares you or that isn't...great

and i think you do that too, and that's where the burden thing comes from, is that you always try to hide the things about yourself that you don't like, whether it's your stand or your feelings or anything else

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